Shift-PageUp-Delete

Today's post appears in the April 2005 edition of 'Zine, the new literary magazine published by one Kelly Barrett. It may someday have an online form, and if so, YAB will proudly give you that link. If you would like a paper copy of this hot-off-the-press masterpiece, you can contact her at barrett.twenty.six.@gmail.com.

What a deadly combination that trio of keystrokes is. I mean man, one ephemeral thought and all that you have written can be gone quicker than Sky Captain from your local cineplex. This is the problem with writer’s block in the technology age. Hitting the aforementioned consecutive button sequence leads to the instant termination of whatever half-written column you became fleetingly dissatisfied with. Maybe that the column-to-be had some hidden promise that you just hadn’t realized yet. But instead, ZAP!, your working document has been relegated to tabula rasa.

When guest columnists on killer ‘zines were looking for creative angles in those trying pre-laptop days, half-finished articles stood an exponentially better chance of survival. You know, the days when writers took to the ink to the parchment (or at the bare minimum, cocktail napkin.) There were so many more safety nets in place. The first step for a disgruntled ‘zine correspondent would be to rip the paper from the comfy confines of its spiral notebook home and crumple it with so much force Yoda would be envious. From there, the writer would take his brand new projectile and do his best Roger Clemens impression, with the waste basket serving as his strike zone. Following that, as a vent for extreme frustration, there was always a decent chance that that trusty writing utensil would end up in two (for pencil users) or airborne (for pen users.)

But for each course of action, those individuals had reprieve! Paper could always be unballed, smoothed out. Writing utensils could always be retrieved. Take a deep breath, go make a sandwich, set the editor’s deadline in focus, and get back to work. This is where technology has failed the writers of the world. Especially the ones with the itchy trigger fingers that could wipe out your column-to-be. Especially Condon.

This is why those (read: ME) with writers’ block have taken up permanent residence at Square 1. Hell, I’ve been there so long, I’m getting junk mail and am expected to mow the lawn every weekend. Because unless you’ve got a topic that you think will confirm to the high quality standards of this ‘zine, you might as well just stay put. It takes less work, and you get to watch TV and become an expert on whether or not the new TBS is in fact, “very funny.” (Answer – if you keep insisting on showing A Knight’s Tale every damn day, the answer is NO.)

Hold on a second – cell phone’s a ringin’…Hello?…oh, hey, Barrett…yes, yes I know the deadline…no, it’s almost finished…yeah, just a few more sentences…I know I’m the staff slacker…no, I’m not kidding you…yeah, I’ll send it soon…ok, bye.

Crap.

It’s time to find that golden topic. Otherwise, Barrett’s getting 600 words from some college application essay I wrote in 1997. Alright. On my mark, get set, GO!

Uh, umm, Going through airport customs to get into Narnia…no, that’s no good…er…what if The Aviator had cast Howard the Duck to play Howard Hughes…that’s a reach…a VH1 Storytellers transcript with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem…funny to me, not to others…going through a fast food drive-thru with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force….yeah, forced indeed…Monkeys, pirates, monkeypirates? Tempting, but…what time is it? Oh, good. Time for Barrett to kick me off the staff.

Well, at this junction, I have two options. One is send all I’ve got to the office, and watch as my column gets a lesser billing then the guy who just copies and pastes different sections of the phonebook to make his word quota. The other –

That’s easy: Shift. PageUp. Delete.