Best Company Ever, Chapter 5

So last time we walked this road, I let you in on some of my future management strategies. As I close the books on my second semester of graduate business education, I wish I could tell you I pulled that managerial gem from a great professor or a highly regarded text I was forced to purchase. But nay, that one was a Condon original. Maybe if I took the time to devote some extra energy towards my BCE practices, I could teach them a few things. I can handle instructing one of my four summer courses, right? If I could, I’d guarantee my students the avoidance of several pitfalls we incurred during this past spring semester. There would be no “2 finals in 1 night” challenge. The instructor’s voice would not rival that of a squawking parakeet. If students feel the need to bang their head senselessly on their desk, pillows will be provided to soften the blow. Yep, all of these would have been nice over the past few months.

But that is the classroom, and here at Best Company Ever, we care about the workroom. It’s time for some more personnel changes.

Since my department continues to press on while we seek a new shortstop, I’ve become more intimate with the administrative tasks that take place daily. The building’s support staff often interacted with our vacant position, so much of the behind the scenes work that takes place was carried out without out me seeing it. (Does that make me “in front of the scenes?) One such stupid task is signing for the delivery of the daily mail. Our current mail clerks are nice enough, but just wait until they get a load of this…

The entire mailroom operation is to be run by penguins.

In a radical move that would make Batman cringe, I’ve decided to take my pirate-led HR boat to the South Pole in order to find a new breed of mailroom employee. And when a polar bear nearly mauled my Recruitment Manager (Parrotman Pete), I turned my focus to the noble penguin. And let me tell you, if there were ever a way to make a mundane clerical job function like delivering the mail awesome, it’s by letting penguins take the postal wheel.

First off, you no longer have to worry about the mail guy giving customers a lowly opinion of your company due to not caring about personal appearance. Here at BCE, every employee should take pride in their appearance, as management feels it conveys a sense of passion and interest in what you do for a living. Our mail guys wear whatever t-shirt doesn’t need ironing and sneakers. Forget that. My mailpenguins will be the most formally-dressed employees at the office. Even on Casual Fridays, those fellas are donning tuxedos. Snappy dressers indeed.

Secondly, just picture the renovations to the mailroom itself. My penguin proposal: coat the entire mail facility in ice. I have several reasons for this move. First, it’s a penguin’s natural habitat. Studies show that people are most comfortable in their natural surroundings, and I can’t help but think penguins share this. Second, penguins will be able to slide back and forth between the different parts of the mailroom. This will speed up sorting protocol, meaning people will get their mail quicker. Additionally, you can count on the mailpenguins being at their counter at all times of the work day. Rather than going outside onto the loading dock during their breaks, they’ll just be sliding on their stomachs to AND fro. This cuts down on waiting time to get one freakin’ stamp. Sure, it may cost you a little extra coin in supplemental air conditioning units, but it’s most certainly an improvement.

Thirdly, who isn’t happy to get a daily visit from a cute mailpenguin? This will boost corporate morale, twofold, maybe dare I say, threefold.

Also, because of this icy infrastructure, mail pickup will be all but eliminated. A series of pipes and tunnels, all ice-coated, will be installed within the walls of the building. An employee, when the need arises to mail something in non-electronic form, no longer has to wait for the mailroom employee to make rounds. Just stick the letter in the icy chute, and it will sail out the other end in the mailroom. And because of the ice, it will slide over to the correct distribution bin. I’m sure there’s some issues that will need to be ironed out, but I can’t right now. The ice would melt.

Finally, there will a dramatically decreased employee turnover rate for these mailroom positions. Penguins are not a flight risk.