Running With Scissors

Every 4 weeks.

Ok, that’s really more of a guideline. A benchmark. If you stretch it to five, it’ll only have been 35 days since last time, and no one will really notice your prolonged delay in acting. 6 weeks will get you an occasional comment, but not enough motivation to break down and just do it. 7 weeks will impede your vision, making driving your vehicle more hazardous that trying to navigate while listening to the Vengaboys (road rage, engage!) So while the delay may have good reason behind it, it’s probably best to stick to the guideline. Oh, what’s that? You have no idea what I’m talking about. Here’s a hint – it’s a Condon Idenification Standard.

Friends, lend me your shears.

It’s true I’ve had the same exact haircut as far back as I can remember. Most family members and friends thumbing through old photographs put the date around 1984. Now there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t have a signature eighties haircut, like a mohawk or a mullet. (You would never buy your paper towels from a man with a mullet, now would you?) It’s plan. It’s simple. It’s served me just fine for the last 21 years. (And apparently, it’s old enough to drink. Is there alcohol in hair spray?) Maintaining on a day-to-day basis requires a brush, a comb, or some other instrument that can complete a left-to-right motion. I can wear a hat without it hindrance. Seems like a winner to me. Change is good, sure, but only when at a vending machine.

So how does Chris do it?

Today’s blog is meant to be a “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Guy’s Haircut.” It’s a topic far too often overlooked. For a guy, every 4, maybe 7 weeks, they’ll come into work and their hair is shorter. People notice, sure, but they never take the time to contemplate the magic behind the scenes. The days of going home and having mom or dad cut your hair are gone (these days, fyi, existed prior to 1984.) Nope, you’re on your own to procure someone with scissorskill, and when moving to a new area, that task is easier said than done. Some things to consider…

Price – My hairstyle does not require an advanced degree in barbology. It’s simple, and it’s on most sample listings. There is no reason to pay more than $20 for a guy’s haircut. $20 is a hard ceiling, too; I only pay $13. If upon walking into a potential hair cutting facility, and you encounter any of the following, get the heck out. You’re about to get financially served: fresh-cut flowers, manicure tables, complimentary wine, framed paintings, relaxing music, more styling bottles than pairs of scissors, more women than men. Get out!

Employees – The person who is going to cut your hair has the ability to ruin the next month and a half of your life with one swift “oops.” So picking your barber is of supreme importance. I have had two successful types when it comes finding that match.

First, and this is the best option, find a person who has YOUR haircut. Even if you have the simplest of “dos,” it helps to have it someone who stares at your hairstyle every day in the mirror. I’ve never find a perfect match, but I was at my closest during college. I, (and everyone on my hall, actually) trusted only one guy with the clippers: Walker, Texas Barber. Was his name Walker? Yes. Was he a barber? Yes. Was he from Texas? No, but when he left the ‘burg to go cross-country (Canada) with his dog, he held that Texas image to a tee. So that’s your first option.

Second, I highly recommend the “Foreign Woman who don’t speak English” demographic. Why? I give you three reasons.

1. A guy’s haircut is plain. Foreign women, namely Chinese, who most likely work in a family-owned shop, have their best expertise at standard styles, not froofy ideas that advanced training often inspires.
2. They have two tools: scissors and the razor. The combination of the two uses terminology that evokes a failsafe design: Razor: Lvl 2 on the side, Scissors block cut in back, thin out the top.
3. Focus. Look, I don’t go to get my hair cut to have conversation, I go for cutting of hair. This language barrier keeps dialogue to a minimum. I’m happy, and it also reduces the opportunity for the dreaded "oops."

Time - Finally, you need to just a prospective cuttery on its level of success as a business. Honestly, you shouldn't care about how well the place is doing business-wise. You just don't want to have to wait for a haircut. Look, I only go every 4, maybe 7 weeks. When I do find the time, I don't want to have to plan into the schedule 20-30 minutes of sitting in a waiting chair flipping through the latest issue of inStyle or whatever mag they subscribe to. No, there has got to be an open chair when I show up, or I'm taking my 7-12 yearly haircuts elsewhere. I need a place that won't go out of business, but never looks busy.

Am I describing a Mafia-run barbershop?