BYO-Lyrics

(This is the second of four stories from YAB Editor-in-Chief Chris Condon’s “Island in the YAB” vacation. Enjoy.)

When it comes to nightly entertainment at an all-inclusive vacation resort, it is up to the staff to design and lead events that will keep the clientele from either going to bed at 8:30 in the evening or wandering aimlessly on a foreign beach in a foreign land. When said clientele has a majority base of newlyweds, it really doesn’t take too much. Participatory games in the sports bar. Dancing out under the stars. I even heard of a spirited match or two of Shuffleboard and Lawn Chess. But those in charge, dubbed “Playmakers” by their management, know very well that the best way to break up the monotony of a weekly schedule with the same shows and events on tap, is to leave the entertaining up to the guests.

Talent shows are intimidating by nature, and this is for two key reasons. First off, a talent show is like an open-ended invitation that doesn’t tell you what time the party is, at what locale it would be held, and what guests should plan on bringing. No, it’s just a statement for having a party, no details attached. That way, no one quite knows what to expect, and more importantly, what is expected of them.

Secondly, most people’s true talents can’t be showcased in an amphitheater in front of dozens of blissfully happy strangers. Hey man, I can quote line-for-line every line of dialogue from Cool Runnings, but I wouldn’t on stage. (You don’t have 97 minutes to give me, and the staff will roast me for my weak Caribbean accent.) Hey, I also have an eerie knack for asymmetrical book stacking, but this isn’t a library, now is it? (Name the reference, cinephiles.)

The talent show came and went with little fanfare from the Condon camp. But that doesn’t mean that my time to shine had come and gone. While a talent show gives you little insight into what the people want, there’s another audience participation event of which there is NO confusion whatsoever. And lo and behold, look at what the Friday night activity just happens to be…

Karaoke.

(And I didn’t even need spell check for that.) (Nordberg.)

Sitting at a table with my wife and another couple we had met at dinner, there I was minding my own business. Up on stage, some guy from Indiana was tearing Bust a Move to shreds – so much that Young MC was heard crying himself to sleep on the mainland. In my chair, I looked forward to a fine evening of mocking those who can’t and keeping it to secret that I contain not one but both of the crucial ingredients to a fine karaoke performance. And it is with no further fanfare that I present the 5 Keys to a Money Karaoke Performance.

1. Have the tools AND the talent. As I mentioned above, it would behoove you to have two key elements of karaoke under your belt. First, it certainly helps if you are able to carry a tune. The crowd will thank you later. Second, be a general fan of song lyrics. Before you hit the stage and grab the mike, make sure you know your subject material. It’s not copyright infringement, pal.
2. Know your song. Pick a song you’ve, uh, heard before? The first time I ever rocked the karaomike, it was with my freshmen hallmates to Everclear’s Santa Monica. Didn’t know a lyric. Felt like a tool. Look. Don’t pull a Santa Monica.
3. Know your range. Hey, I like singing Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer at a wedding with all my friends too, man. But have you ever sang it by yourself, without anyone else, not even Jon Bon himself? It’s a little higher than you think. Karaoke is the ancient Japanese art of making people look stupid, so find your comfort zone and don’t leave.
4. Don’t follow the showstopper. That night, there was a guy who belted, and I mean BELTED, Like a Prayer in full falsetto mode. Had there been a roof on the place, he would have brought it down. You don’t want to be waiting on deck. I know there’s not a whole lot of control here, but if you could slide behind the guy singing some ballad no one’s ever heard for his girlfriend in the Key of Ouch, that’s a good place to go.
5. Instrumental Block – Many of your favorite songs, even if you don’t notice, have a fair chunk of music sans vocals. Be prepared with a joke or a dance to kill the dead air. My personal favorite is to read the words “Instrumental Break” off the screen like you had no idea they weren’t part of the song.
   

And it is with a triumphant following of the 5 Keys that I, Chris Condon, not only brought the Devil Down to Georgia, but to Saint Lucia.

(PS – If you are unable to master the 5 Keys, just drink heavily. You won’t remember it in the morning, anyway.)