The Nomenclature of Cool

Who needs introductory paragraphs and comedic meandering? I’m just going to come out and say what’s been on my mind this morning, opting against my usual beaten path of verbosity.

The coolest name I’ve ever heard is Wolf Blitzer.

Blitzer, the face of cable news, is a man you should all know by face, but at the very least, by his incredible name. The silver-bearded rock of an anchor has covered every major conflict, disaster, and election for CNN since the early 90’s. His delivery is calming, his knowledge base is extensive, and his journalistic integrity is awe-inspiring. But even if he was a maniacal dolt who spent the last 8 years making up stories for Cat Fancy magazine, I’d still listen to him: because of the name.

What’s more, Blitzer is using his actual first name. When it comes to television news, anchors are not adverse to changing their names to garner greater appeal (Hey Philly readers, did you know Jim Gardner on Ch. 6 is really James Goldman?) But Mr. Blitzer goes by the name he was given upon birth – that of his grandfather. I was named after by great-grandfather. Just imagine where I’d be if his name had been something like “Thor” or “Indiana” or “Action.”

Thankfully, my great-grandfather wasn’t named Ron, either. I wouldn’t want to be Ron Condon. (Yep, Rondon.)

But while you may all know Wolf Blitzer for his reporting expertise behind a desk, his unbelievably cool name has gained him many other avenues of fame that the readers of YAB may not yet know about. Here’s a sampling…

TEEN WOLF – Forget Michael J. Fox. It is a little known fact that like many other great movies (A Beautiful Mind, Ray), Teen Wolf is based upon a true story. Sad but true, it told the real-life trials and tribulations of a young Wolf Blitzer in his hometown of Syracuse, New York.

BEEN AROUND THE WORLD – In the seventies, the man toured Europe as a correspondent reporter. He was so proficient at his job that they sent this American Werewolf to both London and Paris on many an occasion.

AIRWOLF - For a great eight years in the eighties, Blitzer contributed his name and his efforts to the television show Airwolf. Not only was he the mastermind behind the CIA operation known as “The Firm,” he can also be credited with coming up with the best theme song in the history of TV.

WOLF – Remember Jack Nicholson’s weird werewolf movie from 1994? Guess who did all his stunts.

PETER AND THE WOLF – Forget the play with the stupid oboe. In the mid 90’s, when it was slow at the news desk, Blitzer teamed with fellow anchor Peter Jennings to perform a two-man show just off Broadway. Their rendition of “Who’s on First” won critical acclaim.

GREAT SCOTT! – This is CNN, America’s Most Trusted News Source. I’m Wolf Blitzer. This just in: Scott Wolf sucks.

CLASSICAL REPORTING – In 2002, Blitzer took the greatest works of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and performed them live for the United States Congress. Armed with a piano, a string section, and working knowledge of the Israeli-Palestinian diplomacy, he received a standing ovation at the outdoor theatre affectionately known as – yep – Wolf Trap.

DURAN DURAN – Yeah. They’re hungry like him.