Trotter? I don't even know her!

Since I lack the skills, the connections, and the technical know-how, my chances of becoming a radio disc jockey are pretty damn slim. In addition, I am not a national recording artist with a hit single on the charts, so it’s equally unlikely that you’ll hear me getting a spin with my latest parody. Now the FCC is effectively a public domain, and I really have no way of taking my freedom of speech and getting my beautiful baritone voice over your airwaves. The FM dial will forever be an island that I cannot visit. But as the contemporary Buddhist scholar Everclear once said – “You could listen to the people on the AM Radio.”

In Philly, we have mastered the sports talk radio scene. We’ve got a bunch of South Philly Italians and a jerk named Eskin, we’ve given them multi-hour blocks of airtime, and we let them talk sports ALL DAY LONG. With every show a local broadcast, 610 WIP turns a fan base into a rabid one faster than Allen Iverson hits the showers after practice. (Practice?) This is a major reason Philly has some of the most die-hard followers in the country.

I called into 610 WIP once. I was like 19, and I made some comment about the importance of rolling four lines in a hockey playoff series, and how the Flyers would crunch the Bruins in Round 1. It wasn’t great, but it at least got my feet wet in the forum of “making my sports knowledge known to a metropolitan region.” Even if I never make it to the SportsCenter anchor desk, I would have at least had my 15 minutes of fame (or a buck-forty, as it were.) But that was then. This is now.

DC also has become proficient with the sports radio format, teaming with ESPN to maintain SportsTalk 980 AM. And just like 610 is a flagship for all things Eagles, Flyers, Sixers, and Phils, 980 serves the fanbase of the Washington teams. And in case you didn’t notice, said fanbase – not a huge cheering section for the City of Brotherly Love. Yesterday will go down as the day that I, Chris Condon, shut up a city of idiots.

(Citiots.)

(Note: not all DC fans are idiots. Most of quite knowledgeable, and love their teams, win or lose. And Philly has the same subsect of fans, too. So this is a disclaimer to let you all know I’m just talking about a small section of DC natives who have gone insane. Oh, and George Bush doesn’t care for the Washington Wizards.)

I flicked on 980 when I was out running some errands on break yesterday. I couldn’t tell you who was the host, but it wasn’t Kornheiser or Dan Patrick. The topic at hand was essentially this: an picture has been circulating via e-mail of a guy walking down a street in Philly with a black and red t-shirt on. He’s walking away from the camera, so all you can see is his back. Like a jersey in big red letters, the name across the shoulders is SATAN with the big 81 underneath. The spin of the e-mail and the current talkradio topic is that Philadelphia is a city that has completely turned on their star wide receiver, T.O., and even their beloved Eagles.

The first few callers took turns taking shots at Owens, which I’m cool with. He’s been a distraction all off-season long, and I can understand that. Sure, there are people who are vehemently against him these days in the Delaware Valley. Fine. But when the next few callers pointed out that the Redskins won yesterday, and without the fan support Philly is headed for the cellar of the NFC East. The host added that he expects the T.O. Satan jersey to make more than a few appearance at the Birds’ first home game next week.

This is when it hit me. Oh my God, I have to call. NOW.

Fifteen minutes later and a few more “Washington in the Super Bowl” callers later (you beat the Bears, guys. Chill.), the following exchange took place on SportsTalk 980:

Host: Hi, you’re on SportsTalk 980.
Condon: Hi there. I’m a long-time listener, first-time caller.
Host: Thanks for the call. What’s up?
Condon: Yes, well, as both a Philly fan and a hockey fan, I felt I needed to throw my hat into this conversation about the T.O. jersey. You see, I don’t think it’s that the city has turned on the Eagles at all. Regardless of all the off-season craziness.
Host: Ok, how do you know?
Condon: Well, that’s just a feeling I have. But I can at least tell you all that the Satan t-shirt doesn’t represent the views of Eagles fans in the least. As I said, I am a huge hockey fan. Which allows me to realize that this isn’t a T.O. mocking at all. What you fail to realize is that the Buffalo Sabres, whose colors are RED and BLACK, had a winger for the last several years named Miroslav Satan (pronounced shuh-tan) who just happens to wear number 81.
Host: (awkward pause.) Oh. Well then, I guess that closes and seals this topic. Moving on…

(Today's title courtesy of Jasen Andersen)