Totally Alumnifying!

Last night, I did the reverse commute into our Nation’s Capital to attend a William and Mary alumni event. And just as I had hoped, I was able to make as little small talk as possible while generating a wealth of blog material. All social functions should work this way. Exert a little effort, get plenty to mock in return. Let’s just hope that I can put it all into to words. On your mark, get set, BANANA.

(That’s a little Joe Brescia humor right there.)

My first alum event in three or so years, the Government department (with which I chalked up a second major) was holding a cocktail reception for those who once roamed the corridors of Morton Hall. Most of the current professorship was also in attendance, reconnecting and catching up with students that they once hoped to influence. This is really their opportunity to see what fine Capitol Hillians, lobbyists, and all-around political activists we’ve become.

I work Finance. I write a comedy blog. Looks like one sheep went astray. Baaaaa.

When I first got to the Woodley Park Marriott, I had hopes of finding a directory of events, perhaps on an easel. Little did I know that the American Political Science Association (or APSA to slice word count) was holding their 4 day convention at said hotel. Aside from discussing modern politics and the issues that affect our world, it appears APSA is extremely proficient at easel-making. I counted 40 without any helpful info for me before I gave up and called my scout team, already at the reception. Stupid easels.

As I scoured far and wide in a sprawling lobby built for a killer game of Goldeneye, I noticed that practically every single meeting room was filled with an assortment of people, nametags, and light refreshments. Turns out William and Mary was not the only ones with the alumni reception idea. With each open doorway, I realized more and more – there’s free food and drink to be had, no matter your alma matter. Without a requisite singing of the campus hymn or an mascot identification system, what prevents any yahoo (or wahoo) from coming in to any room and totally faking their way to the bar?

Upon arrival, I did an initial scan of the room. Looks like a regular happy hour crowd, but with a heck of a lot more conversation. For those who make it a daily ritual to eat half priced appetizer and discounted beer, you’re not so much there for the social interaction – more so for the cheap wings and brew. But for those who meet their friend Bar once or week or less, it’s dialogue that rules the hour. And when you’re meeting someone who used to be able to hold grades over your head or classmates you haven’t seen in years, you might as well be prepared for a deafening roar.

I wasn’t.

Fact of the matter was, other than friends that I already see on a regular basis, there wasn’t anyone there I had a need or want to talk to. My favorite professors either did not make the trip to DC or had retired, and I just didn’t feel comfortable talking to my seminar prof whose class I rarely spoke in, or my professor for Politics in Film who doesn’t recognize me because our classes were held largely with the lights off. This leaves me with two options.

Go up to a professor who I never had and tell him how his course changed my life to watch his astounded face while he searches his mental class list for my name (I’m not wearing a name tag.) Second, pretend to be a new professor on staff – assistant or visiting, nothing to showy – and explain crackpot political theory to the eager young minds who are there for more than free Amstel. “Did you know we have 38 Senators that are actually Muppets? No? You have so much to learn.”

Oh, I get it. “little Joe Brescia.” Now that’s funny.