Jersey Pride!

Q: What did Della wear?
A: A New Jersey.

The above, as much as it pained my fingers to type it, very well could be the worst joke I have ever heard. Granted, with all of the cornball artists out there on the comedy circuit, there may be material out there that makes the above look like Monty Python – caliber, but for the time being, we’ll continue on believing that it does not get worse than this. Even I enjoy a good play on words, but let’s face it. I don’t know Della, don’t care much for her tastes in fashion, and she sure isn’t worthy of supporting her local sports team with such a lame sense of humor.

(Perhaps I’m reading in too far.)

The art of the new jersey is no laughing matter (not that the aforementioned joke has any of you rolling on the floor or doubled over in glee). For I am here today to give those less informed about the intricacies of purchasing, owning, and wearing athletic jerseys. There’s a lot that goes into such a bold fashion decision, and as always, YAB is here to help.

(Or to distract. Get back to work.)

With little exception, there are five major sports from which you can wear their uniforms as part of your everyday wear. I am not selecting them out of disrespect for other sports; it’s just that I have yet to see anyone walking down the street in an equestrian jacket, a speed skating suit, or a synchronized swimming cap without getting a bizarre look from passersby. Let’s run down the big 5, shall we?

A football jersey is likely the most popular choice for a jersey. It wears like a t-shirt, stays cool like a t-shirt, and can be slid over shoulder pads for some full contact grocery shopping. There isn’t anything like cut blocking a tower of paper towels, let me tell you. A baseball jersey is the ultimate in casual wear. Throw on some old jeans, a white t-shirt and PF Flyers with it, you’ll be right out of the Sandlot. Soccer jerseys are trendy in Europe, I hear. Can substitute often for a collared shirt, and can serve as nationality identification at an airport if you forget your passport. Basketball jerseys are glorified tank tops, and I personally stay away. But hey, that’s your call, Shaqdaddy. Finally, the hockey jersey is the pinnacle of the sports apparel world. Perfect for classes that come way too early on Saturday mornings. As long as their “shiny” nature don’t catch the prof’s eye and get you called on. (Damn you, Doc K…)

Now customizing a jersey goes a long way in terms of gaining respect from your fellow fan. When you decide to take a generic shirt from your favorite team, in any sport, you can take one of two paths. On one path, you’re an imposter. It is fine to wear a jersey with a favorite players name and number – AS LONG AS you don’t look like said player. It is crime in the United States to impersonate someone purposely, and they don’t let you wear your new gear in jail. On top of that, you’ll probably let your favorite team down. Wearing a A-Rod jersey is all well and good until Joe Torre tells you to get out to third base. One hot liner off the bat of Manny Ramirez that flies by your glove later, Yankee Stadium hates you.

Also, be careful who you emblazon on the back. Their tenure with the team is guaranteed to be shorter than the life of your jersey. (Why? Chris Gratton? Why have you forsaken me, former Flyer?)

The second option in the customization route is to fool no one – put your own name across your shoulders. Be proud of your family heritage by making your own identity part of the team. But be very careful – while the former route makes you an imposter, the latter could brand you a wannabe. If such is the case, do not stick your name on a team who is last in their respective league. For example, if the Pittsburgh Penguins see you sitting in the third row of their twenty-seventh consecutive losing effort, the coach may tell you to lace ‘em up. Here’s the problem – you’re probably better than some of the other guys on the team. Great, just because you have a jersey and marginal skill, the rest of your hometown team is in therapy with self-esteem issues.