Metroblog

First things first – I’m not blogging while sitting on the Metro. First off, there’s nowhere to plug in my laptop. Secondly, much like my adventures in air travel, I have some difficulty typing the funny while my knees rest deep within my ribcage. Thirdly, as I have to assume wireless connection is about as reliable as cell phone coverage, this post would probably look something like the following:

“A funny thing happened on the way to my first class of the first semester. When I got off the Metro at Fog ------- ttom, there was this adorable los --- uppy, trying frantically to walk ----- the ---- p ---- scalator. Ev --------------- wner was dow-------e, I’m pre--- th----ppy ---- didn’t------farecard. --------------------------------- q ------------- lo --- ory --- never buying street vendor ice cream again.”

Nonetheless, this is my Metroblog. And sometime in the not too distant past, I found myself riding the finest vehicles the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority had to offer. As I have yet to master parking in Foggy Bottom DC for anywhere less than $30, I am resorting to spending a daily $8.95 to take the subway in and out of our Nation’s Capital. Heck, maybe I’m even saving money, considering I could but a plasma TV with the sum it takes to fill my Accord at the pump.

Most of my time on this peoplemover will either consist of sleeping with my head propped up against the glass or reading for the class that I’m due to have in a matter of minutes. The percentages for each activity is still undetermined, but why do I get a sneaking suspicion they will fall in the 97 vs. 3 area?

Going into the city, I have little complain about. At rush hour, the primary goal of the region’s citizenry is to get out of the city. They’ve paid their dues, bought their SmarTrip card and are headed out. I, in a true act of counterculture, am headed in. So as I sit on a largely-empty Metrorail car, I have some time to view the literature on above the windows:

6 Reasons You’re Riding the Nation’s BEST Public Transportation

1. No Smoking – Alright, good start, Metro. Totally agree with you on this. There’s nothing worse than coming home from a Nats game at 10:30PM standing in one giant cloud of smoke. (Ok, maybe it’s worse if you’re coming home from a Nats game at 10:30PM and you’ve lied to Congress about taking steroids. Eech.)
2. No Food or Drink – Ok, here’s where Metro’s claim of being the best goes awry. I totally understand that food and drink could mess with other passengers, but man, what an ideal time to take in some sustenance. Just bring enough to share with your seatmate, and let’s call it a day. (Don’t eat candy though. Offering it to the kid sitting next to you will go against everything he learned in Safety class.)
3. No Trash or Spitting – Yes, in an idealist community, the floors and seats are spot-free, spic-and-span, and if you were allowed food or drink on this train, you could dine right off of the carpet. In a metro community, there’s enough old USA Today copies to stuff a piñata. As for spitting, we're not in France, cool with me.
4. No Flammable Substances or Materials – This is what makes our Metro the best? Are you telling me that in Boston or New York, they’re totally cool with commuters carrying kerosene-soaked stacks of newspapers and old cans of varnish onboard?
5. No Audio or Video Devices – Now in the Age of iPod, most people are content with listening to their tunes by themselves courtesy of a nice small set of headphones. I am not most people. If this really was the best of the best, I want that aforementioned plasma showing me movies I don’t have time to see in the theaters. Like The Interpreter and Hitchhiker’s Guide.
6. No Animals – Two Words: Monkey Conductors.