Trickle Down Pizzanomics

Granted, today would have been a perfect day to wax comedic on the skyrocketing price of gasoline in this country, but I must decline for two reasons. One – every other blogger on the planet has probably beaten me to it, as it’s almost noon o’clock, and I’m behind the times. Two – I already complained about fuel prices back in March, we launched into the $2.20 range. Call it a premature diatribe, but it appears I’ve already used us the funny in this department.

Unless you consider ramifications…

Yes, refueling you car at the pump this weekend may cost you between 3 and 4 dollars per gallon, plus an arm and/or leg, but that’s not the only place your wallet will feel the squeeze. You see, other services and industries have fuel costs built into the price they charge. Airline tickets could launch into the stratosphere. NASCAR drivers may have to win their weekly race just to use their winnings to break even against the day’s refueling expense. While you may think you are being shopper savvy by doing your buying online, it’s possible that the shipping costs will creep upward. And somehow, I don’t know how, but somehow, Ticketmaster will find a way to blame a surcharge hike on their need for gas reserves. I hate them.

But unless you are planning to purchase a new suitcase from Amazon to pack for a trip to Daytona, which you’ll fly to just to make good on that bleacher seat you bought from Ticketmaster to quench your need for speed, most of those price hikes won’t affect you. Your wallet would be safe. However, let’s bring this dilemma of secondary fuel costs to a more local level. And, yes, I’m typing in your direction, college students:

Ordering pizza.

For the Pizza Huts, Dominos, and that guy John who thinks he’s your daddy, their business model has just taken a hit faster than you can say “Little Caesar files Chapter Eleven.” Since most of them have cut overhead by deep sixing dining room seating, the fast food pizza business has become largely delivery only. And what do you need in order to get such a product to the people? Simple.

1. A car with an empty back seat.
2. A kid with his license and a taste for reckless decision making.
3. Fuel for the car to get to its destination
4. Cash for the kid so he doesn’t pay himself by eating the pizzas.

Now three things remain constant in that equation. (assuming pizza delivery kids don’t unionize and demand to be paid in Xbox games) However, lucky number 3 isn’t quite tracking as budget planners would have liked. So what happens when Exxon, Mobil, ExxonMobil, and all the rest put the squeeze on the pizza folks?Well first off, as a sign of preconceived hostility, the pizza places will refuse to ever deliver to a gas station again. So for graveyard pumpmonkeys, you’re going to have to resort to eating those Frosted Honey Buns that have been on the convenience rack since 1997.

Secondly, a bit of good news. In order to trim costs, the major pizza players will have to completely eliminate their advertising budgets. This is outstanding. If you think about the last five years, some of the dumbest, most insanely stupid spots have come from Dominos and Pizza Hut. Jessica Simpson? Pizza Head Man? Any one where guys come running because they hear the damn doorbell? Who’s running these ad agencies? The Redskins’ front office?

Third, let’s face it, folks. Pizza prices are going to increase. In order to pay for the extra fuel costs, your dining experience at your door will tack on a few bucks. But in the spirit of competition, the regular base pizza will remain at standard pricing – the sales team will at least be granted a tad of creativity.

“I’d like 2 large deep dish pepperoni pizzas, please.”
“How deep a dish would you like sir? 40 cents per centimeter.”
“Uh…”
“And today is 2 for Tuesday which means there’s a 2 dollar surcharge.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, got that one from Ticketmaster. Oh and pepperoni – how many would you like? That’s 35 cents per ‘roni.”
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