Pubber Blips

I have long contended that when it comes to certain office supplies, there should never be a need to go outside one’s place of business for additional inventory. When it comes to paper clips, rubber bands, and, heck, I’ll even throw the omnipresent staple remover in here, scientific research should be performed to highlight just how much of each of these three are in daily circulation in offices across the country. I guarantee the tallies would be staggering.

Now here’s the thing about ordering office supplies – it’s really the one place that most standard office workers have access to corporate funding. Need to buy a new 7-ton air conditioning unit? Visit the Capital Use Committee. Want a new flat screen monitor? That will go across the manager’s desk at the very least. Heck, even the “company-sponsored” lunch isn’t a sure thing until the finance rep at the table nods once the meal is over. But office supplies – AH! That’s where YOU, the lowly employee, makes some big-time procurement decisions.

When office supplies are being purchased, whether from the Staples across the street or from the eleventy billion page catalog that props up your binder shelf, one thing is clear. The wallet on the other end of that transaction does not reside in your pocket. As a result, office workers are known to do ridiculous things. They’ll buy blue AND black pens, even though the only ever use blue. They’ll buy stuff that is completely frivolous, like desk clocks that project the time on their cubicle wall using a system of freaky blue lasers. (Brookstone also banks on this tendency.) But most importantly of all in the realm of ordering chaos, people continue to buy paper clips, rubber bands and staple removers.

As they say in Quiz Show, “I’ll take the third part last.” It’s not that staple removers are useless desk implements. It’s just that aside from remote controls, car keys, and your mind, it could be the easiest thing in the universe to misplace. Staplers are big enough to stay put – and rather difficult to unknowingly knock it on the floor. But a staple remover – that thing can sprout legs. You can take it to the copier room, and after a 25 minute collating session, completely forget that it made the trip. And since staple removers are about as unique as Martin Lawrence characters, no one can truly identify their staple remover in a police lineup (assuming staple removers commit crimes.) So what happens? Point. Click. Ship. A new litter of staple removers join their brethren. Enjoy your time, kids. It’s only a matter of time before you are cast away at the copier like those who have come before ye.

But all in all, the above is modestly excusable. After all, if the world was devoid of staple removers, we would be left with completely destroyed fingernails and pen tips. However, I have no sympathy for those who spend the almighty corporate dollar on more paper clips and rubber bands. If I had a goat, these people would surely get it.

Paper clips and rubber bands (Pubber blips for short) are not unlike pennies. There are more than enough in circulation, and when you need one, you can usually find one. The collect on your desk after you process whatever package from whence they came, and as long as you don’t mess with their factory-given shape and form, they’ll be there forever. You use them when you need them, often to bind documents that you are prepared to bid adieu to and send on their way. You get them when the same documents make their way back home to you. Regardless, everyone has a ready stock of them, since these items are so rarely disposed of.

So why in the world would anyone order more? Equivalent: “Mr. Cashier, sir, here’s a dollar, can you give me 100 pennies in change so that they can sit on my desk and do nothing? Oh, thank you so much.”

With that said, I’m out of paper clips. Help me, please.