Things to Do after Sacking York

The readership of YAB is a fairly homogeneous bunch. Roughly 95% of our visitors call America home, reading their daily dose of funny in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. There are of course a few exceptions. We often see a long lost pal in Slovakia make his way over from Icarus Fallen, there’s the occasional Canadian wanderer who searched and found out I was the inside source on all things hockey, and don’t forget that I’ve been known to a Google source for “Honduran wedding traditions,” confusing several brides-to-be in Tegucigalpa. So, yeah, we’ve gone global with this baby.

However, in our quest for world domination, we’ve noticed that we rarely attract a visitor from other English-speaking world power – the United Kingdom. Granted, in our own ethnocentric prose, we rarely tip a cap to those chaps across the pond. And then it really hit YAB – we really know very little about the UK. So in an effort to manifest some international dipblogacy, today’s feature will focus on those who call and English Muffin, well, “muffin.”

The idea hit me when taping together an invoice package this morning. My office supplies, as I’ve mentioned before, are nothing uberfancy, but they are nice. With most – pens, pencils, scissors, highlighters – there is choice. But when it comes tape, there is one type and one type only for your adhesive needs – Scotch Tape.

Originally known as Scots Tape, the evolution of language has taken its toll and now the clear rolls of binding strip has come to be called Scotch Tape. Because 3M, the main producer of Scotch Tape, has locked away the historical origins. Well, because we cracked the secret password (3M apparently stands for “Money, Money, Money”), we have unlocked the vault and have come across these meeting minutes from a centuries-old United Kingdom executive meeting. Turns out Scotch Tape came to the new world because Scotland was well-represented at said discussion. Here’s a peek…

William Shakespeare, GB: As the representative of the crown, I would like to call this meeting to an order. As our table, round as the morning sun, hath chairs for a quartet, each one of the great lands of a Kingdom United shall have their roll taken henceforth.
Liam Neeson, NI: Having grown up in Belfast, I have been called from my post on the Jedi Council to attend this “other” council of sorts, to discuss matters concerning the union of our four lands. So why in the name of Seamus Fitzpatrick do I sit here across from a small blue fish? Who mocks Qui Gon Jinn?
Dory the Fish, W: What? Wait? Hello? Nice to meet you both. I’m Dory. I’ve been sent on behalf of the Welsh people for two reasons. One – Catherine Zeta Jones was busy. Two – I speak Wales.
Shakespeare: Mere fish, thy people speaketh in one of two tongues: English and Welsh.
Dory: Noooooow youuuuuuu listen heeeeeeeeere, Willllllyum. I am caaaapable of repreeeesenting Wales.
Neeson: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent, Dory. Now before I have to resort to using the Force to get my way, where is our fourth?
Shakespeare: He runs, as his people are prone to do. Late, that is. He runneth late.
Dory: Soooooo I was tooooooold that –
Neeson: Dory, you don’t need to speak Wales.
Dory: Yeeeeeeeesssss, I doooo-
Neeson (waving his hand) No, you do not have to speak Wales.
Dory: Noooo, I dooooo. I'm a Fiiiiiish, mind tricks doooon't woooork on meeee, Jeddddiiii!
Shakespeare: Anyways, brevity is the soul of meetings, so I call to arms the issue to be laid forth on our glorious table: a national adhesive. England would like to propose the use of paste. As an homage our people of fair London, their skin tone shall from this day forward, we shall bind our bindables with pas-
William Wallace, Scot: Just one second, good Sir William. There is another entry on your fair table. I am here to represent Scotland, and its treasured adhesive: Tape.
Shakespeare: But foolish knave, what be thy name?
Wallace: Fish and Jedi! I am William Wallace.
Dory: William Wallace is seeeeeeveen feeeeeet talllllllll!
Wallace: Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.
Shakespeare: Now wait just one min-
Wallace: I AM William Wallace! And I see a national crisis here, now, in the name of bonding agents. You've come to decide on behalf of your lands, and decide you will. But glue? What will you do with glue?
Neeson: We will stick papers together, and we will be fine.
Wallace: Aye, with glue you may be fine, but with tape, oh with tape! Just think, Fish and Jedi, dying in your bed or bowl, many years from now, would you be willing to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, JUST ONE CHANCE, to live without sticky gluehands? Yes, Shakespeare, you may convince some. But my friends, we shall come back here and tell our poet friend that he may take away our lives, but he'll never take... OUR ADHESIVE!