In the next month, I will be attending two weddings. And not only will I be attending two weddings, I will be part of two wedding parties. Aside from getting to show off how much taller I am than the other groomsmen, there are other perks to this job. I’ll eat a couple of exquisite rehearsal dinners, get introduced before a group of people who will passively clap in my general direction whilst waiting for the actual couple of honor, and I’ll have complete dictatorship-level authoritative control as to where you sit at the ceremony. So be nice, or I’ll have you placed behind the organ.
Oh, and I get to make this look good.
Bridesmaids have to do all sorts of crazy things on behalf of their friend, the bride. Aside from showers, bachelorette parties, and the occasional tea or luncheon, bridesmaids have it way harder as to set their attire for the big day. Sure, the bride may pick out a dress, and you may have to purchase that dress. On top of that, you’re going to need to get your hair done, makeup done, find shoes that fit, find jewelry that matches the dress, not trip on your face if the alterations weren’t done just right, ad hold some flowers. Some heavy, heavy flowers.
Groomsmen rent tuxedos. That’s it.
Now since it’s a fortnight between the two affairs, Chris Nordberg and I are toying with the idea of just renting one tuxedo apiece (rather than two), wearing it for the first wedding and every moment afterwards until the conclusion of the Mellor-Viehweg affair. I think wearing a tuxedo everywhere I go will gain me some newfound respect, from other commuters, the cashier at the cafeteria, and definitely the other guys at the gym. And if anyone needs me to host a banquet at the last minute, I am so freakin’ golden there, too. However, since my two roomies have different tastes in black tie fashion, this plan will likely fizzle before I even get my first “tuxedo overdue” notice from the rental shop.
Speaking of the rental shop…
Both of my former roommates have chosen to organize their respective tux rentals through local shops, tuxerias that are close to the location of the wedding. Since neither location of either wedding is say, Fairfax, Virginia, I would be unable to walk in and take care of business. However, thanks to a convenient system of universal measurement (metric can go to hell), I was told that I could get my measurements taken at a local tuxedo shop of my choosing, and then via the magic of the interwebs, that information can be transferred to the appropriate tailor of their choices.
However, walking into a tuxedo shop and asking for a service when I have zero intention to procure any rental of their wares just doesn’t feel right, you know. I wouldn’t walk into a supermarket and ask them to cut a pound of roast beef when I have no intention of buying, you know, just to see if they could do it. Nor would I ask to use the bathroom of a fancy restaurant if I didn’t have a reservation. It’s just a little…weird.
Nonetheless, it had to be done. Since my usual suit store didn’t comply with my request, I was forced to go the chain of tuxedo shops that I facilitated my wedding party’s rental through. Here’s how it all played out.
Tuxedo Shop Guy: Hi there, how can I help you?
Condon: I need to get measured for a tuxedo rental.
TSG: No problem (pulls out After Hours order form) Ok sir, what is the date of the wedding?
Condon: (realizing it’s not too late to turn back on an elaborate farce) (chooses otherwise) September 15.
TSG: Groom’s name?
Condon: (will have some ‘splaining to do later) Reif.
TSG: Alright then, let’s get those measurements
(takes measurements)
TSG: Ok, let’s see what we have you guys wearing in the computer.
Condon: (Knowing damn well he’s not going to find any Reif in the computer) Sounds good!
TSG: (searches through computer for non-existent information) Ok, I’m having a little trouble…
Condon: That’s weird. (Note: totally not weird. It would be weird if he DID find Reif’s info.)
TSG: Maybe it’s on another date?
Condon: No, I’ve got the right one
TIME OUT: At this point, I’ve got the measurements I need, I didn’t make this guy make a decision as to whether to spend time on a no-sale, and now all I’m looking for is an out. It’s a shame this guy is so damn persistent.
Condon: Here, let me try and call him. I’ll confirm the event date. (calls Condon’s work phone, leaves phony message) He didn’t pick up. I’ll just come back or call when I get the Event ID.
TSG: Sounds good!
Condon: (RUNS AWAY!!!!!!!!!)
2 comments:
Wow that's way better than what I did. By the way, a question to all those lawyer friends we have out there. What is a good legal defense for "hypothetically" holding up a tux place at gun point demanding your measurements get taken. Keep in mind I ... I mean my hypothetical friend, is now wanted on account of this incident for robbery and suspicion of being a sex offender. Thanks a lot Dave and Spud.
Duress is a good legal defense to any crime except murder (and even that depends on the jurisdiction). Considering both Dave and I are considered Lethal Weapons (dibs on Danny Glover), you could conceivably convince a jury that you, I mean, your friend believed his life was in danger.
On the sex offender charge, that's purely dependent on what your friend demanded that they measure.
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