Diamond Play, Part Deux

For those who weren't up late last night, you probably didn't see the Thursday blog. Due to an insane work day, I was unable to bring the funny during normal office hours, and therefore had to wait until 11 pm. The point being is I did slide it in before the clock struck 12, keeping my consecutive weekday con blog streak alive since inception, now 69 days and running. So before you are graced by the Big 7-0, scroll down to read yesterday's post. This one will make a helluva lot more sense. Go on, I'll wait.

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Oh, your're back? Good. Without any additional attempts at unneccessary exhibitions of verbosity, (Damn.) I give you the Curses of the National League.

(Why did that sound like I am selling a calendar? Oh well.)

New York Mets (1986) - The timing doesn't seem quite right on this one, but the Shea-faithful are knee deep in the Curse of the McCarver. Tim McCarver, the color analyst for Fox's World Series coverage, was once the Mets radio broadcaster. As a result, many of the players have slammed their head against the dugout concrete due to some of his enlightenments, putting any postseason success completely out of focus. McCarver: "One thing about groundballs, they go out of the ballpark." Huh???

San Diego Padres (1969) - The Curse of the Missing Savior. The Padres, because of their name, have always had strong ties to the clergy. And while priests everywhere spend hours in prayer concerning the Second Coming of the Son of God, the Padres' front office are signing free agents who, well, just aren't in the same league as Jesus. While you were busy signing Phil "Career Underachiever" Nevin to a long-term deal, the Sox found Christ and put him in centerfield.

Montreal Expos (1969) - This is a Curse of Mistaken Identity. Apparently Canada didn't realize they had a baseball team in Quebec. Local sports equipment outfitters didn't realize there was more to sport than hockey, and since the club's inception 35 years ago, the Expos have been stepping to the plate with the finest bats CCM can make. (Makes Andre Dawson even more impressive.)

Cincinnati Reds (1990) - Attention People of Ohio: Just because Chris Sabo went the way of Spuds Mackenzie doesn't mean you're team isn't cursed. Back in 1991, then-owner Marge Schott attending the annual owners meeting in Palm Beach. Steinbrenner, also in attendence, challenged her to America's favorite dice game, Yahtzee. As a bet, Schott put up her dog, Schottsee, while Steinbrenner countered with minor league prospect Derek Jeter. Sadly for Reds fans, when 5 threes came out of cup, Schott cried, "Schotzee!" instead of "Yahtzee!" and Steinbrenner took the canine pride of Cincy.

Florida Marlins (2003) - Just last year, the Marlins shocked the world with a 74 year old manager who took a wild card team to a world championsip. In the off season, the Marlins fought a bout with the Curse of Some Bad Chinese. They ordered the Hee Sop Choi.

San Francisco Giants (1954) - The Curse of McCovey Cove sure sounds like a Hardy Boys casefile, if you ask me. If that's the case, if they ever want to win again, Barry Bonds needs to figure out if Joe Hardy was really that witty, or just firing off quips as a sense of insecurity and inferiority in relation to Frank. I've always wondered this.

Chicago Cubs - (1908) - The longest drought in the majors, eclipsing cross-town the Comiskeyites by 9 years. In 2003, Sammy Sosa was found with a corked bat. In 1908, there was no such thing as a corked bat. But there was a borked cat. (I actually have no idea what this means, but I think it sounds funny. Ooh, shiny!)

Colorado Rockies - (1993) - For those in Denver, the Curse of the Elway has stricken their bats with no hope of ever playing in October. My theory is this: a sports city is allotted a set amount of karma when it comes to that little bit of edge that gets a team over the top. John Elway, former quarterback of the Denver Broncos, sucked the karma marrow out of the Mile-High City in order to win a Super Bowl in his last year in the NFL. This was great for the Broncos, especially since Terrell Davis fell victim to the Chunky Soup Curse the following year. This was terrible for the Rockies, who now have to deal with the thin air's effect on visiting hits all by themselves.

Pittsburgh Pirates (1979) - In 1979, Pittsburgh last found themselves hoisting the trophy in October. One month later, Steeltown's newest resident was tiny Sicilian infant named Liz Grimm. In the name of Andy Van Slyke, it appears it's on the shoulders of Grimm to lead the Bucs back to the promised land. Too bad she's living in DC. Simply hateful.

Houston Astros (1962) - We all remember 'em. Back in the 1980s, when the 'Stros had their best chance of overcoming the odds (and the Mets), the longest running musical in Houston was "Nolan Ryan and the Amazing Technicolor Away Jerseys." After the 86 Series, the show was cancelled, and so were their postseason dreams.

Philadelphia Phillies (1980) - It's been 24 long years since the Fightin's have had reason to celebrate. We've survived the Steve Jeltz era, Veterans Stadium, Rich Kotite sharing our home venue, John Kruk's violent eating rampages, and Pat Burrell's singing career, "I got a Huge Hole, in My Swing." If that's not curse after curse, I don't know what is.

Milwaukee Brewers (1969) - Never won, never will. Drunks.

Los Angeles Dodgers (1988) - There's this episode of the critically-acclaimed hit sitcom "Saved By the Bell" where Zack skips school to go to a Dodger game on a Jewish holiday. (Smith is putting in that ep right now.) Jesse's stepbrother Eric catches him in the act (no thanks to Screech) and a two-part episode is born. I contend that had Zack not been caught (by a New Yorker, no less), the boys in blue would have won three straight titles in the late 90s.

Arizona Diamondbacks (2001) - You guys have a freaking hot tub over the center field wall. It's not like you are even trying anymore! Rumor has it that in a homestand against the Dodgers, Milton Bradley slipped some mayonaise into the jet stream of said tub, making anyone in a 50 yard radius violently ill. (So that's why Steve Finley wanted to be traded. Ohhh...)

Atlanta Braves (1995) - Sure, it's only been 9 years, but it's more than just the declining skill of Chipper Jones that's keeping them out of the record books in the 21st Century. Turns out that the Tomahawk Chop put the entire Hotlanta fan base in the operating room to get Tommy John surgery. Home games just haven't been the same since.

St.Louis Cardinals (1982) - Congratulations, guys. The Bambino has just moved to the Show-Me State.