The French Toastmaster

Yes, yes, I'm at work.

It's earlier than usual, around 7, and I haven't been here this early in about a year. With midterms, planning due tomorrow, and my pending day off for Homecoming, I've learned the definition of the term, "time crunch." In order to accomplish all there is to accomplish, I needed to get out of bed when the alarm goes off the first or second time for once, and come to work. It's not like it was that hard - I must have fallen asleep without turning the sleep function on the TV. As a result, I opened my eyes to TBS' Mama's Family re-runs.

Like getting hit in the face with ice water.

Anyways, I had forgotten some of the small rewards you can get for coming early and forgoing SportsCenter (or Saved by the Bell, depending on the ep.) Like for one, my car is a heck of a lot closer than it normally is to the door. Good thing, too; it's COLD at 6:45 in the morning. Like Johnny Damon 0-4, with 4 strikeouts cold.

There's also the fringe benefits when getting the morning sustinence. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And desperate measures call for Pepsi. (What? Me drink coffee? Maybe if we went to DEFCON WOW again.) Said times also call for the bagel, and today I got to experience what my fellow bagel-eaters enjoy every day. I had a full selection down in the cafeteria. We're talking everything. Not that I strayed from my half-'n-half, but man, I could have. I could have. The cream cheese also lay as pristine as the ice over at the MCI Center - that's what happens when you lock out the guys with the ice skates, Bettman.

I don't toast the daily bagel, but the hi-tech mechanism that saws said bagel in half sits in front of the toaster, so I found myself reading the "side-of-appliance" literature this morning. For something as simple as a toaster, there sure are a lot of instructions...

"When emptying crumb tray, please disconnect power source before removing."
"Debrescher avant de nettoyer le plateau a mettes."

???

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that the bottom one meant the top one. But French? Do the French have some sort of competitive advantage or special skill set that makes them more qualified than other nationalities to empty crumb trays? Most second language postings are Spanish in the states, apparently with the exception of heat-injecting bread warmers. I looked around the cafe looking for someone who looked French. Unfortunately, (as Dave can attest to), I think all French people are probably Gerard Depardieu, and he went into hiding post-My Father the Hero. (Which, I might add, gets schooled in the "family-on-a-boat-comedy" by good ole' Captain Ron.)

Knowing that my French is a little rusty, (ok, I've never spoken it in my life) I did my best to exclaim to those surrounding my disgust that there's no one French around to empty the crumb tray. Cycling through my best francophrases, I inhaled and yelled,

"TOUR DE FRANCE!"

I should stick to English.