"Here, you throw this out."

Complete strangers tell me this every day, and they don't even know it.

What "See 'em all, hate 'em all" Stephen Hunter is to movies, I am to unsolicited advertising. I have never procured somebody's merchandise or services because of something that was given to me without asking. It just won't happen. Don't get me wrong - having menus for take-out dining options in nice, but ordering from the distributing establishment will not happen in my house as a matter of principle. It's protest on account of taste. Same rationale for not shopping at Old Navy from 1998-2001 on account of those irratating commercials. Morgan Fairchild? She's not of this world.

So when I find that I am now burdened with paper promoting the new dentist in town or the Vietnamese buffet now open across the street, I can only picture what the responsible vendor must be asking of me. It's a favor alright. It's not "Hello, resident, please patronize my place of business." It's really "Insert Blog Title Here."

Killing trees, people.

The range of recyclables I receive from this faceless base of commerce is indeed broad, and their methods of delivery are varied. However, no matter how crafty the attempt is, two things are constant.

1. I will not be considering your offer.
2. Exit, trash can right.

Some examples:

• The most common "HYTTO" repeat offender is the restaurant district. Vocelli Pizza is a local chain in the DC area. Instead of looking to expand their business to other states, they choose to spend corporate funding on bi-weekly door hangars for yours truly. This is the coward's promotional technique. You have a representative of your business on my doorstep. You could offer me a free sample by knocking. OR you can stealthily give me a means to a paper cut when I get home from work later. Revenge - Order 50 pizzas from Pizza Hut. Deliver them to Vocelli.
• The "splatter and scatter" method: Most favored by law practices and doctor's offices, these places send an clerk on their lunch break to get the partner's name out into the community. As a result, we'll get seven flyers on our landing, and if lucky, one will actually have hit someone's doormat. Problem is, there's only four doors on our landing. This is a second degree offense, as now I have to actually bend over to pick up this trash in order to properly dispose of it. Revenge - Collect the good lawyer's literature, and re-distribute it in SouthEast. He'll get plenty of new business.
• The "screw marketing research" method: These are normally in the form of mass mailings. I have a shoe that's bigger than our mailbox. Not shoes. A shoe. Occasionally, I get mail that's actually functional - a birthday card, bank statement, Ikea catalog, whatever. More times than not, these letters are crumpled in the back of this postal coffin due to big glossy brochures meant to aid my decision as to where to spend all that discretionary cash in my paycheck. Oh, great, I can but a house out in Sterling starting at $840k. Come on, people. I live in an apartment, with a roommate, in a low-rent district of Falls Church. Why do you even bother sending me this? Revenge - Spring-loaded boxing glove in the mailbox. Always funny.
• Finally, we get to the latest offender - the "Door Crack Attack." Solicitors with a litte too much time on their hands will actually slip their flyers under the door onto our small, hardwood landing. The latest offender - the Kerry-Edwards Campaign. Two flyers came under our door late last night, toting the candidates' platform. What makes you think forced reading will be looked upon favorably??? In high school, they forced me to read Jane Eyre. As a result, I had a very traumatic "reading aloud in class" episode where Mrs. Newman had to tell me that it's not pronounced "Jane Ear-ey." If you want to let me know your political position, tell me on the television. I can't slip and break my ankle on the television. Revenge - Pester the Kerry camp to see if their health care proposal includes campaign-related leg fractures.