I saw the signs...

"and they made no sense to me, I saw the signs."
- Ace of Base, sort of

Part of the morning routine for me is starting the day-long task of drinking my body weight in water. Call it an addiction, but there's nothing finer than a tall, cold Nalgene filled with the coldest water Spectrum Water Coolers can provide. Typically, I cycle through about 5 of these bottles a day. As a result, I am so hydrated during the week that come weekend, I lose this ridiculous inflow of liquid and become as dehydrated and weak as Mr. Burns. The bottle is said to be unbreakable, and it is, with the tiny exception that the cap no longer in permanently affixed to the bottle. Thus, I have the thing open on my desk. Thus, my keyboard, yet again, is under the sea. Paper towels, needed on Aisle Stupidity...

Anyways, the reason I bring the whole water thing up is because of the time it wastes during my day. 23 seconds a pop, to be exact. For a while, I played this game where I would close my eyes while the bottle was filling and count off 23 seconds and then open my eyes to find it filled. That stopped one day when I counted slower than normal. Splash.

Now, I've got to come up with new things to do, so it doesn't look like I standing eerily quiet in the far corner of the kitchen. Today, in fact, I decided to read some of the signage courtesy of other employees that is hung in the kitchen. We're not talking the required, company-implemented wall-ware like Standards of Labor and Safety Cabinet Regulations. We're talking the indirect method of cowardice people use to get their workplace etiquette point across.

"If you see that we are of out paper, please contact Corporate Reprographics x64859."
- Ok, so somebody hates making copies and running out of paper halfway through a production set. That's fine. But please make sure your sign has its words in the right order, Xerox Nazi.

"(on freezer) Please dispose of any leftovers, beverages, and condiments you have no intention of using."
- Surely, anyone who has taken the time to walk their extra food down to the kitchen has some intention of use. Besides, "using" is a little vague, no? It could mean I'm making a fake back wall of my cube out of interwoven string cheese a la Shawshank for that well-timed escape I've been meaning to make. (Disclaimer statements are used to negate prior statements, or to underwrite a veil of secrecy you are now accountable to.)

"When the coffee pot is empty, be a friend and refill it. Thank you."
- When you see someone putting up a passive-aggressive sign, be a friend and call Terry Tate to take care of the fool.

"This toaster will self-destruct in five seconds."
- Okay, I put that one up. But the office hasn't had that "burnt Pop-Tart smell" in weeks!