Do coloring books have a Chapter 11?

I know there's organizations like the Better Business Bureau that are paid to spot faulty business practice a mile away. But sometimes, guys with a half-finished MBA and a penchant for rambling on the internet need to take matters into their own hands.

I am worried for the business practices of CDBaby.com.

Recently, I ordered a CD from said baby. It's from a duo called Ashby Blair, one of which went to William and Mary and graduated the year before me. Anyway, if you like country, it's a good listen from an unsigned act. But that's not the point of this blog. The point is this:

Babies can't run dotcom businesses.

Sure, I was wary at first. I mean, seriously, have I ever ordered anything from a baby that resulted in a pleasant shopping experience? Not in my recollection. I know part of the reason is that there just isn't a whole lot of merchandise out there on the market being hawked by babies. Babies don't sell their product, they just chew on them. (Don't think I'm not thankful for the plastic wrapper that will be on this CD - it's a legitimate drool deflector.) But I'm all for taking a shot on an upcoming venture, so I said, "Ok, Baby, I'll buy a CD from you." And so it was done. Credit card purchase. Shipping Details. Transaction Complete. Cross Your Fingers.

But then I got the confirmation e-mail from the CDBaby that at first had me pleasantly surprised. What customer service! Here's what it said:

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow. A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing. Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy. We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved 'Bon Voyage!' to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, Monday, March 28th.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did.
Your picture is on our wall as 'Customer of the Year'. We're all exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Wow! That's amazing, I thought to myself. I really DO feel like the customer of the year, considering this special attention!

Wait a minute.

Bells and whistles are good, but do they ever produce good music? How is it possible that I just paid $12.97 for a CD and yet received all of this extra service. What is this Baby thinking? In my copious free time, I considered the Baby's overhead costs. And my conclusion: unless this Baby got a TON of money for his baptism, I don't know how he's funding his staff. Not to mention the materials!!! I can just picture the Mastercard commercial now,

Satin pillows: $24.99
Bag of Sterilized Gloves: $29.00
CD Polish: $6.51
Japanese Candle: $17.95
Gold-lined box: $11.95
Parade: $8,000-10,000
CDBaby Private Jet: $6 million

Watching a Baby explain to his shareholders why he went bankrupt in two weeks by crawling across the boardroom table: PRICELESS.

Buyer Beware. Babies in Charge.