Best. Superhero. Ever.

Some people view the beginning of spring as an ideal time to dig into the closet and get out the summer clothes a little prematurely. It's been much too long since you got to wear shorts on a regular basis, and those sandals are just begging to get some outdoor use. I share this sentiment as well. But unfortunately, it's cold, windy, and raining outside, so even if I unpacked said clothes, they are going to have to wait a little while longer. Well, while I'm in the back of my closet, I might as well dust off some other old rags, which I don't think you've seen me in since September.

"Woman, where is my Super Suit?!?!?"

That's right, it's time to fight some more evildoers. This superhero, (who is still shopping for a killer moniker), once again has to lace up his super shoes and battle what injustice there is in the world. I pick my battles as I see fit. Some villains are archrivals because they just hang around, no matter how many times you thwart their menacing ways. But in a good comic book run, you can't fight the top dog every issue. It would be like if the Yankees and Red Sox played each other every game of the 162 season. The mystique of the rivalry would wear off somewhere in June, when the pitching staffs would start phoning it in. (Go ahead, make the joke in your head.)

So minor villains are needed in order to prolong the series and make be seems even more ubercool. They should be selected based on the crimes they commit against people that are important to the hero, people the hero relates to. Well, this time around, because the pen not always mightier than the sword, I've got to go to bat to defend writers.

Why writers?

It doesn't take much to get your words on the net these days. (Just look at Condon, who spent 400 words contemplating the travesty of having 6 dimes. But with great power comes great responsibility. You're responsible for the quality product that daily readers turn to in order to avoid starting their work day. The broader reach and fanbase you have, the more careful you better be with various writing weapons. If Tony Kornheiser were to exploit limericks for a two week period, he better rival Shakespeare in his efforts. Well someone has broken the writers' code. Enter Dan Shanoff.

Or should I say, Superlator? Mmm?!?

You see, Superlator writes the Daily Quickie over on ESPN's comedy outlet, Page 2. It's a tough job, I admit. Superlator has to get the hot topics of today's sporting world into a clean-cut, one page column which promises to be informative, funny, and timely. (I'm lucky to get 2 of 3 most days.) Overall, his writing is decent, and his sports biases are limited. But he has one crucial flaw, which is what has forced my superhero side to take him on and call him out.

Best. Whatever. Ever.

Superlator, despite probably knowing better, loves to channel the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons, and with his declarative keyboarding ways, is dubbing Best and Worst Evers on a daily basis. Today, he has dubbed this past weekend of NCAA basketball the "Best. Weekend. Ever." Come on! Don't get me wrong, those games were good, but shouldn't you do you research first?

It's hard for me to impart to you how ridiculous his use of superlatives are, so I'm going to have to kick it analogy-style. (Superheroes can use this method of storytelling in order to vex a villain; hopefully I'll do anything but for my readers.) Here's a morning in the life of a Superhero.

Well, I woke up late this morning, but only because my alarm clock was much too easy to snooze for 2 hours. Worst Alarm Clock Ever. I then showered, using the Best Soap Ever, and managed to shave without cutting myself. Best Shave Ever. Getting dressed when running late is always a challenge, since any wasted moment results in one more red light I'm going to hit on the way to work. Worst Traffic Problem Ever. But I picked out my Best Dress Shirt Ever and my Best Suit Ever and dashed out into the Worst Weather Ever.

This is the overuse that Superlator gets away with. He must be stopped. I'm taking suggestions on how to stop him (and for a cool supername, still.) Godspeed, good citizens.