Defending the Homestead

In the heat of the moment, common citizens are often able to execute heroic deeds. Salim Stoudamire sent the Cowboys packing with a clutch herioc jumper. True heroes, the American soldiers, are heroic in all their deeds overseas. The Wallflowers, with their new album ready drop, hope once again the they can be Heroes. And now, Crystal Senger of Bismarck, North Dakota has done her civic duty as well.

Long story short: Caught in a convenience store during a robbery, Senger stood in fright at the other end of the store. She then rose above the fright to drill the criminal in the head with 7 consecutive bananas. Criminal drops to the floor, and we have a newly minted hero.

Short story long: Yahoo tells it much better.

This rare feat of accuracy and strength begs the question WWCD? Or short story long: What Would Condon Do? I've never been robbed, and my abode has never been broken into (except, of course, when I have had to do it myself.) I mean who's gonna rob Condon? I'm the freakin' Brawny Man!

Now let me put myself in Miss Senger's shoes. Ouch. (Stupid Size 7's) If I were caught in the crossfire of a robbery in my own home, before I'd even need to intervene, I could always strike a bargain with the Prodigal Roommate. "Hey, Spud, if I do your laundry for a month, can you please wreck this guy with your black belt skills? Thanks." If he's in the scenario, I'll just keep minding my own business, playing Playstation 2 and ignoring the sounds of the criminal's head hitting our faded linoleum.

But assuming the Prodigal Roommate is at class or the supermarket or some other destination, that leaves me to defend the homestead. Casing my own joint, here are a list of the 5 things I am most likely to drop a burglar with consecutive swift strikes to the head:

1. In Disc We Trust - If Good Sir Thief has made it past the entryway to the Random Run, then I can head to the coat closet for ammo. I'm deadly with the frisbee. The nice thing about this choice - frisbees have built-in mechanisms that allow them to bend around corners and skip down hallways. I don't care which room this guy goes to, I can hit him - forehand, backhand, or I could always drop the hammer on him.
2. Random Task - Who throws a show, honestly? Condon does, if he's backed in to his closet. And I've got ski boots in there. Here comes the pain. (Bizarre sidenote which will put you in my highest regard if you know what I'm talking about: In Spanish 3 in HS, we watched a video educational series called Destinos, with Jamie Gonzalez looking for her bisabuela in Mexico. Some guy robs her in the middle of the night, and she weakly wings a show at the assailant. Could be the best filmed action sequence I have EVER seen. Ok, back to the countdown.)
3. Stork You - They're not Vlasic, but they'll suffice. If I find myself stuck in the kitchen, I could always pop open our giant jar of pickles. The Unintentional Comedy Scale helps with this choice of weapon. Can you imagine the guy going back to his thug buddies and having to explain himself? "Yes, I got schooled by a guy throwing pickles. But the juice! It stings!!!"
4. Movie Magic - Would I prefer to use my DVD collection against an intruder by winging them at his head? No. Would I laugh my head off to know that a direct hit with "Panic Room" would ironically send him sprawling? Yes.
5. Bathroom Back to the Wall: Well, I do have a new bottle of shampoo....