Dialtone Directions

Using a telephone in an office setting can be confusing and new, but if you follow Chris "No, not the one that phones It in" Condon's failsafe instructions, you too can be come a telecommunications ace. Just read along, and you'll see what I mean.

There are essentially four main levels of skills and aptitude when it comes to using the phone at your workplace desk. Before I outline them for you, let's talk about what equipment you'll be handling. Now it may be scary at first, especially for you younger readers, who have never seen a phone plugged into a wall before. I know, it's bizarre, but cordless office phones would much too easily a) get buried underneath the latest batch of cost reports b) get thrown against a wall when you find out that the package you were waiting on was lost by the receiving department, and c) can be left at the photocopier, just like the pen, stapler, and intern you can't seem to find. So yes, we're going to be discussing the hardline models today.

Also, we're not talking about headsets. The conference planning department lives and dies by the ability to not have to use a handset for their rather lengthy phone calls to whomever. I have no advice for these people. OH! Other than "Don't look at me while you're talking on your headset." I have no idea whether or not to respond to questions when put in that position where I don't know if I'm being addressed or not.

CP: "How do you feel about the Marriott in San Diego?"
ME: "Well, I've never been there, but I have to think that its location alon-"
CP: "Yes, I think you should hold your off-site conference there, too."
ME: *slowly slinks out of CP's line of sight*

Without any further inflation of YAB word count, here are the four levels, in increasing order of awesome.

1 - Tyro - Congratulations on your new office phone! Before we get fancy on your co-workers, here are the basic operating instructions. First things first, after all. When the phone rings, pick up the hand set and put it to your ear. Have a generic greeting like "Finance, this is Chris." I know this would be a prime opportunity to be creative and funny, but the person on the other end probably won't appreciate greetings like "Talk, it's your quarter," "Condon in the hizzouse," or most greviously, "You're a Phone Call."

2 - Novice - Now that we have the basic call and answer systems in place, it's time to master those options that work phone has and are remarkably underutilized. Let's pick on the big three, and proficiency in this triad will not only further filter communications excellence, it will impress your co-workers! Parking a call eliminates the need to say "Hold on, I'll be right back" and dropping the receiver on the desk. All this does is let the caller hear whatever music is emanating from your laptop of the conversation you'r ehaving 8 feet away. Conferencing a call eliminates the need to remember everything to tell somebody else, guaranteeing that something will get lost in the translation. Finally, transferring a call eliminates the embarassing need to confess, "Um, yeah, that person is here, but could you just take their number and call them? I don't know how to use my phone."

3 - Pro - Ok, so now that you know HOW to use all the features, it's time to put your own personal style to the test. My method is the "Cocktail" method. Just like Tom Cruise, pre-Few Good Men, post Risky Business, I like to treat my phone like somebody's watching. It sits to my right and picking it up requires reaching out and bringing it to my head. When I'm feeling the flow, I'll forgo passing it to my left hand (since I ALWAYS talk on the left ear.) and instead, throw it from right to left. If you can get your catch rate up over 95%, then I highly recommend it. Secondly, the hang-up can be just as flashy. This is something that I didn't even realize I do until today. When I am done with the call, the phone must once again end up in my right hand to go back to its cradle. Subconsciously, I employ the "Drop it like it's Hot" method. Once I send the caller on their way (a la Rusted Root), I drop the phone to my lap, where my right hand is patiently waiting for it. The right hand then does Part Two in one fluid motion. If you master these two skills, you might as well be at Level 4.

4 - Executive - Get a secretary.