Viva La Reservacion!

Over the years, I’ve supported many causes, but led few. Supporting a cause is easy. If someone asks you if you believe in what they’re trying to do, you say yes. If someone thinks that you signing a petition will enhance a grass roots movement, you say yes. If someone would like you to wear a vulcanized rubber bracelet to broadcast to the world your inner values, you say yes. If someone asks you if you’re a god, YOU SAY YES!

/obligatory Ghostbusters joke

But leading a cause? That’s tiring work. I led a one-person letter-writing campaign for Comedy Central to cancel Strangers with Candy, on grounds of it “sucking like a Hoover.” (I wasn’t very clever when I was 17.) I promoted the most delectable new snack aisle fixture, the Reese’s FastBreak Candy Bar, to everyone I knew when I was 21, and my efforts inevitably caused market adaptation. There have been lesser crusades that had mixed results, but that won’t prevent me from taking the torch for the name of Camden Fairfax Corner Apartment residents EVERYWHERE!

(If not everywhere, at least the ones that live at, well, Camden Fairfax Corner Apartments.)

It’s time to put on the Revolution Shoes (which sound 91% cooler than they look.)

My apartment complex is a bastion of hope for those who wish to make their vehicles stationary in close proximity to Fairfax Corner. Yes, we no longer live in an age where one has to plan an extra 8 minutes into their schedule when arriving for a movie. The parking at FC has been a problem since inception, and it often prevents consumers from coming to this commercial haven. We had it up to here (this is where a webcam would help), and did the only logical thing.

We moved to Fairfax Corner.

Within the walls of the House that Lease Built lies a 5-level concrete parking garage. I’m sure I’ve blogged about this before. One can choose to park on the bottom level (so that you can get your mail on the way home), or the level on which your apartment is located (for the quickest access to your neatly-partitioned square footage.) Either way, it’s a gated garage, preventing those who have a hankerin’ for Rio Grande Mexican to score a free space near the cantina of their choice. Yes, only Fairfax Corner residents are let inside the parking dungeon, and spots were always served on first-come basis.

Now spots are served cold, with an icy side of entrepreneurship.

On each level now, up to 12 of the absolute closest parking spots to the exit doors have been knighted with signs that utter a simple word of dismay: RESERVED. Yes, unbeknownst to us, these spots now have a title, and the power that comes with that title is making me use my legs. Like a sucker.

When I signed up to live in this community, parking was deemed to be free and available. (Save the handicapped spots – those are deemed to be nearby and fine-able.) And by the letter of the law, it is true that parking is still free and is still available. There’s more than enough parking through the garage that displacing all cars 12 spots farther away from their apartments won’t have anyone crying no vacancy. But is this a fair thing? What does RESERVED mean, anyway?

RESERVED – adj. – (re-served) – 1. kept or set apart for some particular use or purpose.

Very funny, editor-in-my-head.

No, according to the Leasing Office, they will be offering these RESERVED spots to current tenants for a monthly add-on fee to their rent. While the amount is yet to be disclosed, it guarantees you of parking in a giving spot no matter how hard it’s raining or snowing. (Uh, this is an indoor garage, Condon.) And for those not willing to pay this tax of convenience, you’ll just be a little farther away from home, sweet, home.

Look, Camden, my baby just learned how to crawl. How DARE you MAKE HER CRAWL AN EXTRA TWELVE CAR WIDTHS? What’s that? Carry her? And use my arms like a sucker?

So, people of Camden Fairfax Corner who are reading this (hopefully more than just Katie – when you get a note on your door offering a primo spot at a price – just say NO! If nobody buys the spots, they’ll be forced to revoke the policy and let us park as close as we can to our homes, our families, our world. Don’t give in to unfair convenience. Do it for your bank account! Do it for your conscience.
Do it for my infant’s knees.

The View from the Mound

It's a whole new ball game.

The difficulty of raising a baby enjoys a direct correlation to one's ability to be able to accurately locate the whereabouts of said baby. Despite the culture shock and sleepless nights that set in immediately when you get home from the hospital, raising your newborn is not so crazy a proposition. There's sleeping, there's feeding, and there's holding - lots of holding. And with two of you rocking the shiftwork, it's nothing impossible. Heck, before she can learn to wiggle (or watch The Wiggles, for that matter), plenty of subsitute holders can fill in at anytime.

It's like starting an inning against the 9-hole in the lineup. Congratulations, you got the pitcher to strike out looking - he didn't even take the bat off his shoulder. One down.

But then a month or two passes, and periods of you sitting and holding begin to wane. Time is spent with baby on her back, with various mobiles, toys, and dangling rings to reach and swat at. Perhaps, if you're feeling adventurous, you'll flip her over and wait for the wailing. The fact of the matter is, once you put her on the ground, it's making her familiar with the terrain that separate A from B. And for a little person who thrives on feeling new textures (sweet, sweet, carpet), this could be the catalyst of something bigger.

After retiring the pitcher, the lead-off hitter taps a slap single down the third base line, only to beat a great throw from your third-baseman by half a step. Good effort, nonetheless.

And then one day, she'll decide being on her stomach isn't the worst thing in the world. Her vision levels out; seems thing less upside-down. Granted, she's not thinking on inching forward at that toy duck anytime soon, but it's nice to see that the duck's bill is actually below its eyes. In fact, any attempt to motion forward typically results in a few steps back - Paula Abdul would be proud. But all this time, she's watching you. She's watching you glide easily from place to place in that spacious apartment of yours, taking notes on how easily movement can be. Better lace up those cleats, Mom and Dad.

With one on and one out, you work the count against the 2 hitter. There's lot of fouling off pitches on the full count, and while you're not showing signs of tiring, you can feel the batter's confidence building with each swing. Finally, you make a minor mistake and the 2-hitter knocks a ball by you up the middle. Runners at 1st and third, one out.

As fun as lying on one's stomach is, someone quickly realizes that they can get from A to B by means of rolling. It's not exactly travel by straight line, but it can get you from the coffee table and back much in the flight path "The Scrambler" takes at your local amusement park. But all this rolling - it doesn't get anyone anywhere fast. Situation is still normal, all systems are go.

And then Ryan Howard steps to the plate, and you're out of left-handed relievers. Your shoulders drop. You know he's got your number.

And someone learns to crawl.

Like I said, it's a whole new ball game.

Blame the Damn Cowlord

Back by popular demand, here’s a second installment of On Location: The Wedding Reifmotsinger. Why? Because Popular Demand ganked my car keys, and he won’t give them back until I publish more tales of matrimonial hilarity that took place on a hill constructed entirely using chapels. Yeah, apparently they haven’t heard of “dirt and grass.” Weird.

(Who likes bullet form? You do. You like bullet form.)

· I totally wasn’t kidding when I said we played 6 games of Madden to get ready for the wedding. In fact, there was an instance where Dave and Alison wanted their photographer to take pictures of both sides getting ready for the ceremony. For a bride, this is easy. The adding of makeup and a dress, as well as getting one’s hair done, provides many an opportunity for a shutter click. But with guys, it involves putting on a suit. Done. In fact, it was a mere 34 minutes before our time to go when we realized that we need to get ready. Three of us (Nordberg and the Prodigal Roommate), showered, shaved, and donned penguinesque attire with minutes to spare. Heck, we even got to finish that goal-line stand that the Jets had worked so feverishly to prevent. So when the photographer was ready to snap, he, uh, kind of missed the moment. So we did the next best thing: MADDEN. Now, we wanted everyone to look like they were have authentic fun and smiling genuinely in the pictures of us playing video games in tuxes, so I ran the perfect play: 27 QB Vanish. John Madden never expects 27 QB Vanish. It when you snap the ball and then make sure the QB runs a minute off the clock by running in the complete opposite direction of the goal. The only danger with such an audible? 27 Groom Vanish at the time of the wedding.

· The Bouquet Toss and Garter Toss go hand-in-hand as the turning point in the wedding. The Bouquet toss always is full of anticipation, as many a young lady looks to snag the airborne flora from their nearest competitors. Those most aggressive in the reception attempt often win, and this group is often composed of 1) bridesmaids who REALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED AND FIND MR. RIGHT (NOW), 2) people actually scheduled to get married next, or 3) Carolina Panthers WR Steve Smith – he catches everything. That’s the bouquet. For the garter, it’s the goal of the guys to look cool while catching it, yet show as little actual enthusiasm as possible. This typically results in 5 seconds on complete non-action, followed by the closest proximity guy to the falling garter making a shoestring catch to save face for the entire group. Wedding tradition dictates that spiking the garter results in a 15 yard penalty, enforced on the ensuing kickoff.

·There was a sequence late in the reception where the DJ (whose name is actually B.J. I kid you not.) played the following sequence of songs. 1) Devil Went Down to Georgia. 2) Cotton-Eyed Joe. 3) Shout. It was at the point when we were gettin’ a little bit louder now that I realized something. B.J. the D.J. was out to kill us all.

·Ah, the Crazy Taxi Girl. Lemme explain. Many of the wedding guests were staying at a hotel a few miles away, but the bride and groom had arranged for an end-of-evening shuttle to transport them back there. The first one came and promptly filled up, leaving many a Monrovian behind to wait for it to return. Now assuming that the driver of said shuttle is not a member of the Andretti family, we could expect reasonably 30 minutes of downtime. For one in our midst, that was not worth losing in quantities of sleep, and decided to call for an independent van shuttle to transport the rest for a small fee. (I won’t say who, but his name may be awfully similar to Damn Cowlord.) 20 minutes later, the Tar Heel Taxi pulls up, with more than enough room to transport the remaining survivors off of Wedding Island. One problem, the skipper riding shotgun of their fateful passenger van was a drunk UNC girl who eschewed a traditional greeting like, “Welcome to the Tar Heel Taxi, where can we take you?” for the more festive “HURRY UP, BITCHES! I’M F’-ED UP!” (Censored for our family audience.) You see, the Skipper (as she will be known until someone comments with her actual name) isn’t on the Tar Heel Taxi payroll. But her friend and driver, Tyrone, is. And Tyrone can give the Skipper a free ride to a wicked party if he takes someone else for a fare in the process. How does the Skipper do her part? By passenger-wrangling of course. Meanwhile, back on our end, everyone’s a tad petrified over the Britney Spears on Red Bull hanging out of the van’s window. Would YOU admit you ordered her services? (Fortunately, the Cowlord was nowhere to be seen.) With each individual denial, she got feistier and (somehow) drunker. Liz claimed amnesia. Nordberg politely declined an invite to her raging kegger. I calmly explained that I was staying at THIS hotel and had no reason to go elsewhere. And while she stared at me trying to decode my Platonian logic, a 40-year old man wearing khakis but NO SHIRT walked through my vision in the lobby of the swanky Carolina Inn. And since the Skipper was wearing a dress that could be mistake for just a shirt and lacked much leg coverage, I did what any other tired groomsman at 1 AM would have done.

I told the Skipper that the Man in Khakis looks like he needs a taxi.

On Location: The Wedding Reifmotsinger

Anytime you ask my old roommates and me to wear tuxedoes on the weekend, you know that some hilarity will ensue. After spending my Saturday serving as an official witness to the newly christened Mr. and Mrs. David Reif, I realized that the best part of weddings are the stories that you can treasure for years to come. Now Dave, the guy WM ResLife thought I’d be able to share clothes with back in ’98, doesn’t have the best memory, (he once left his brother Peter in his dorm closet for 5 consecutive months), so I thought I’d give him one more wedding gift. Candlesticks, you might suggest? Nay. The following is a re-cap of his truly blessed matrimonial event. I give you YAB’s On Location: The Wedding Reifmotsinger.

(now, in bullet form!)

• As a means to relax the Groom, the Groomsmen decided to take the Groom on a leisurely walk around campus. According to Nordberg, one of UNC-Chapel Hill’s most famed landmark is something known as “The Well.” From name alone, this seems like a place where freshmen and star-crossed coeds can wish for good grades and love. You know, throw some of your parents’ money in the deep chasm of water, and take the easy road to success. Surprisingly, Nordberg sits on a throne of lies. The Well? It’s a frickin’ water fountain in a stone gazebo. I love Complete Opposite Day.
• Following the walk, we played some Frisbee on a quad-like area not far from “The Well.” On a football day like Saturday, not many Tar Heels spend their day relaxing in the grass catching up on their P-Chem text reading. In a vast expanse of green, in fact, only one girl chose this to be her Saturday morning activity. And somehow, in the expansive green acres, we nearly hit her nine times.
• Weddings are held later in the day for three main reasons. 1) So wedding guests do not have to get up at the crack of dawn to arrive, 2) So that the bridesmaids can spend 6-8 hours getting ready with hair, make-up, and dresses, and 3) So the groomsmen can get in 6 games of Madden football on Playstation 2.
• If you are planning on having a wedding soon with more than 100 people in attendance, ask plenty of your buddies to be groomsmen. We worked on a 4-man rotation to usher everyone to their seats, and it was like running laps back in high school track. Forget the champagne toast; can we have Gatorade instead? (In return, we promise not to sweat orange on our tuxedos.)
• When you’re a Groomsmen and not the Groom, taking wedding photography is WAY easier. Dave and Alison’s photographer was British, which somehow made him seem 41% more qualified to do his job. By the mere nature that you’re donning a tuxedo, you feel compelled to put on one of those “knowingly-vacant” stares into the distance. With our attire, you can also add an element of “I’m quietly content that Dave didn’t pick magenta vests.” Thanks, Dave.
• A standard reception staple in the entrance/announcement of the wedding party. Typically, it’s a walk, stop, smile, continue walking procedure. However, the emcee mentioned the word “pose.” Uh oh. Nordberg and Meg opened the show with a Marilyn-Heisman duo, and then while I did not see Dan and Carol, Spud did what he does best and spun and dipped Jessica. Farid and Zoe, whose great idea this was in the first place, did not disappoint, and then that leaves Condon. Fortunately, Amy was quick on her feet to come up with a minor dance move that we could pull of in a no-huddle offense. You don’t want to end it like the Phillies bullpen is right now. (Apologies for mixing sports analogies.)
• Later on in the wedding, Dave was wearing Alison’s veil as if it were a cape. Verdict: Massively dorky. However, there was an occurrence earlier when Alison’s 90-year old grandfather was dancing whilst wearing said veil. Verdict: Adorable. That’s the advantage old people have; anything they can do will come off adorable. Imagine an old man hobbling into a bank and robbing it – wouldn’t that be the absolute cutest thing on the evening news? Hell, yes.

I'm in the Gift Shop! Give Me My Gift!

This weekend I am going to the wedding of my freshman roommate, Dave. Dave and I were randomly assigned to one another for our stay in Monroe Hall in the ’98-’99 school year. The means by which Residence Housing determines these dormitory pairings is via a simple form that they request every new student to fill out. This form is supposed to create a limited roommate profile – major attributes that you do (or do not) have. Poor Dave. After comparing our entries, it’s likely that he got stuck with me because for music, I put “Country.” (My reasoning was sound; I doubt a guy who listens to Alan Jackson in his free time would steal my electronics or eat my food.) Dave put “No preference.”

Yeah, that’ll teach you to be indifferent.

Just over nine years later, Dave is getting married. I wish I can say I had a hand in the coming together of he and Alison, but it’s a stretch. He knows how to dance like Nelly, deadpan jokes like Kevin Nealon, rehab like a Sherpa, and as my mom pointed out after my first-ever phone call with my new roommate, he can’t share my clothes. And what’s more, his fiancée refers to the other Chris as “The One Who Likes to Dance.” Chris Nordberg? Really?

I don’t even know who you are anymore.

But aside from my paragraphic animosity towards the groom-to-be, I am still planning to head down to the Tar Heel State to watch him say some flowery language in a fancy penguin suit. My only concern is that when the groomsmen are lined up along side Dr. Reif, I am standing in closer proximity to him than Nordberg. Nordberg freakin’ hates when he can’t see the movie.

However, I must be careful of taunting the Mighty Scandinavian One too much; he will be my roommate for the weekend in the luxurious accommodations that is the Carolina Inn. Now it’s not often I am able to stay in lodging of this magnitude (business trips make you check your swank at the departure gate), so I need to make sure to live it up to the fullest and take advantage of EVERY AMENITY they have to offer. Some of my ideas are listed below.

• “Valet Parking (6:00-Midnight)” – Valet parking is only acceptable in the following situations: you are wearing black-tie level clothes, it’s blistering cold out, the parking garage is on fire, you are in a desperate hurry, you’re trying to impress a girl, or you want to play a prank on the valet guy. Need an example? Ok, fine. Set up your laptop at home, grab your acoustic guitar, and record a strumtastic original song titled, “This Valet Guy Steals Your Loose Change and Is Legally Drunk.” Crank the volume, and hand your keys to the nice gentleman in the white gloves.
• “Complimentary wired and wireless internet access in all guest rooms” – This will probably come in handy for a guy who has two fantasy teams, runs a football pool with disdain for a major sportswriter, and is a write on three blogs, don’t you think?
• “Complimentary Wi-Fi internet access in public areas” – For people who can’t make it to their rooms. It’s the dork equivalent of putting public restrooms in the lobby.
• “Hotel fax and copying services” – Never buy a hotel before getting a Hotelfax report. You never know what goes on in those places.
• Dry Cleaning Services (Mon-Fri) – Translation: Don’t eat anything with mustard on the weekend. You’re going to regret it.
• 169 guestrooms with…an abundant supply of jumbo pillows.” Sweet Mercy, we may not make the ceremony. We’ve got a fort to build.

Reading: It's Delicious.

Unless it involves a young British wizard attempting to defend the world from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I can’t say I have a ton of time to read these days. It’s not that I don’t want to; I just can’t find the time to read anything that I can’t see on the computer screen before me. Books are too long for a 24-hour day; and after picking up a baby first thing in the morning, they’re too heavy as well. But blogging is just the farthest branch out of the family tree of literature, and we would be doing a disservice to our roots if we did not recognize the great works that have been gazed upon prior to our existence. Keeping in mind our refusal to exceed a page count of say, 11 pages, we make efforts to reconnect with English teachers past and present the first ever YAB Book Report.

Today’s selection: Pat the Bunny.

Now I know this may be an unusual selection to anyone well-versed in the classics, and you may claim that you have never read Pat the Bunny, but I assure you that at some point in the waking moments of your life, this literary beacon was read to you. Now I know it’s been awhile since you last pulled it from your shelves, so we promise to go page-by-page. Enjoy.

Page 1: “Here are Paul and Judy. They can do lots of things. You can do lots of things too.” Critique: Paul and Judy’s parents are enrolling them in every program they can think of so that they can go to an Ivy League school.

Page 2: “Judy can pat the bunny. Now YOU pat the bunny.” Oh dear Lord, the title of this book is not only the name of said rabbit, it’s a COMMAND! I think Golden Book Publishing just blew my mind. As for the bunny itself, this page actually contains a bunny-shaped patch of fur. And I’ve got to admit, if I put my head on it, I just might fall asleep.

Page 3: “Judy can play peek-a-boo with Paul. Now YOU play peek-a-boo with Paul.” Ok, let me set the scene. In both sides of this page, Paul is holding a blue blanket up to his face. On the left, Judy is the one lifting the blanket in order to see her brother. On the right, there’s a blue swatch of felt encouraging you to do the same. Moral of the story: Paul is lazy.

Page 4: “Paul can smell the flowers. Now YOU smell the flowers.” You know, I’m starting to think this book is getting rather pushy, don’t you?

Page 5: “Judy can look in the mirror. Now YOU look in the mirror.” The funniest thing is how Judy looks in the mirror. She has placed it on the floor and is crouching over it, mere inches from her own reflection. How unorthodox a method is this? Poor Judy. She’s going to see her first pond in a few months and just assume that the only place she can see herself is by looking down. And damn, that’s going to affect self-esteem.

Page 6: ‘Judy can feel Daddy’s scratchy face. Now YOU feel Daddy’s scratchy face.” Ok, this is a little creepy. The Daddy in the book has my haircut. But cut me a break, Golden Books. It’s late, and I haven’t shaved since this morning. You are trying to hold fathers everywhere to an unattainable standard: Nordstubble.

Pages 7-9: More of the same. Pushy children demanding you mimic their every move. Well you know what, Paul and Judy? Clara’s decided to one-up you punks. She’s added one more step to the great epic that is Pat the Bunny. How do I know? There’s a large chunk of book missing from the upper left-hand corner.

Page 10: Chew the Bunny, kids. Chew the Bunny.

The Oscarma Initiative

Last February was a hectic time to throw an Oscar Party. Here’s why.

The biggest stars on the Red Carpet like to make an entrance, often passing up being the first limo in Hollywood traffic in favor of making a fashionably late entrance. Clara was no exception, decided to join the festivities some four days after her due date. When Katie and I had discussed continuing our Oscar Party tradition despite Clara arriving mere weeks before Ellen took the stage, we had not anticipated on the little one taking a long weekend in utero and compressing any last-minute plans regarding the annual tribute to friendly cinematic competition. Like Babel, the pregnancy was just a little longer than we would have liked.

With a new baby safely-in-arms, I glanced over my scratch sheet of “Things to Do Before the Oscar Party.” Some things were easily taken care of, others got scratched from the list as frivolous. Remember how we used to buy red poster board and create a red carpet into the main theatre? This year, gone. (After all, I’m pretty sure we were the only people ever to actually purchase red poster board, thus deflating the red poster board industry altogether.) In the end, I was confident that all of the core activities would be complete in time, and this was with operating on a newborn’s sleep schedule. Games? Check. Refreshments? Check. Overly complex scorekeeping spreadsheets? Check. Video?

Video?

Last year, Spud and I teamed to make the Oscar Sunday video that has graced YAB’s sidebar for well over a year. Now with over 38,000 views on YouTube, it may be my greatest contribution to the Interwebs, and that includes all 780 posts we’ve done here on this little site. Oscar Sunday was topical, funny, and had displayed editing skills I knew not existed in me; it was certainly something that was well-received and worth all the hard work. If another video were every to be produced in the name of Oscar, it would have to at least strive to be of comparable quality.

Babies make terrible camera operators.

With our new addition and Spud’s own planning for an upcoming secret engagement day for Julie, the script we had worked on for a month or so was inevitably shelved. It’s just too hard to do script rewrites whilst sleeping in a chair in a Neonatal recovery room. This decision, while hard, was probably for the best at the time. The ultimate product would have been rushed, unfinished, and nowhere near the quality Spud and I are known for. Hopefully, we’ll have the time this year to renew that creative relationship.

We have an old family adage: Condons (named Chris) never say die.

In the back of my head, I had a second idea as to how to creatively present the Best Picture winners in a topical, comedic, and videographic manner. Of course, with Oscar Sunday a mere 10 days away after a week of hardcore baby raising, chances were slim that it would be possible.

But I’ll tell you, kids, Jon Rogers stepped up to the plate.

It’s no secret ‘round these parts that Monrovia is obsessed with the best show on television: Lost. I had a two-part plan in mind. The first part could be filmed with relative solitary ease, assuming I got 1) a wife’s permission to rearrange some furniture, 2) a sleeping baby for a 45 minute window of filming, and 3) luck. The second part was written on the fly, with only a framework in place as to how it would play out. But Jon Rogers was prepared to bring the funny, film the funny, and set decorate the funny – all on a night when his wife and closest neighbor least expected it. (Coincidentally, it was a Wednesday – Lost is on Wednesdays.)

So if you are familiar with Lost, you’ll get a huge kick out of the video we now present. And if you’re not, we hope you enjoy nonetheless and insist you get caught up on the best show on television prior to January 2008.

Without further ado, I give you The Oscarma Initiative.

Dick, The Send Receipt Master

Two quick points before we get to today’s funny.

• Thanks for putting up with all of the football over the last (gasp) nine posts. We here at YAB find the Dueling Previews to be a challenging assignment, as well as one of our better works of the year. If you aren’t a fan of television or football, thanks for sticking with us. As the great Ed Rooney of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off once exclaimed. We will do it. We will do it NINE TIMES.
• I know that for those reading this on IE that you’ve seen some crappy code in several of the more recent posts. My apologies; we just switched to Firefox and Microsoft Word isn’t playing nice. Way to stick up for dear old Microsoft Father, Kid Word. We’ll get that resolved soon.
  

(Thanks for the great segue, Intro Chris. Not a problem, Column Chris.)

99 out of 100 of you are sitting at your desk right now in a corporate environment that lives and dies by Microsoft Office. It’s not that you don’t have a preference in your productivity software; it’s that the powers-that-be for which you work does not. Microsoft grow so fast and so large that soon it became clear that those trying to make it in today’s working world would crash and burn the first time they sent a proposal to their customers in WordPerfect format. It’s like showing up for a pick-up basketball game wearing Converse Chuck Taylor’s – you may think it looks cool, but ultimately, they will be rupture your Achilles heel.

(As for that other 1 out of 100, you’re not a Microsoft rebel. We just assumed you’re standing at your desk.)

One of the nicest features in Microsoft Outlook is the Read Receipt. Of course, it’s a bit of a misnomer. By practice, the read receipt is meant to indicate to you when the recipient on the other end, has in fact, read your e-mail. Of course, there are a few preventative factors that Microsoft fails to consider. First, it registers receipt to you only when the e-mail has been opened; not necessarily read. Second, your recipient may not know how to read. Regardless of literacy, Microsoft will send you that note that your e-mail has been read. You then pick up the phone to call your colleague on his newfound ability to process words and sentences, only to insult his heavy burden of illiteracy. Jerk.

‘Course I will Rob, no problem.

But today I’d like to educate you all about the opposite of the read receipt. In my office, its converse is alive and well, in the form of one of our junior staff members. People, I give you the send receipt. You’ve been warned.

No problem at all. I’ll tell him the next time I see him. Definitely.

The send receipt exists in the computers of only the most proactive and naïve members of our workforce. You see, e-mail operates differently from regular U.S. Mail. When an e-mail is sent, the e-mail arrived in the recipients inbox at a near instant clip. This inbox is located on a computer screen, likely within 18 inches of the face of the recipient. By this clever means of proximity, the recipient will likely know that they have received your e-mail, at that same near instant clip. The U.S. Mail is delivered into a mailbox out by the road, or on the first floor of your apartment building. You don’t know for sure if the mail has come, and if a certain letter is or is not in that daily mail run. You’ll have to wait until you feel like checking it, or some pen pal calls you on the phone to direct you to your nearest correspondence collection depot, that metal box that oncoming traffic comes dangerously close to destroying on a daily basis.

In e-mail, that pen pal phone call is a send receipt.

I've ah... got some other stuff to tell him anyway, so it's no problem.

So when my junior staff member sends me an e-mail, he gets up from his chair and walks the 20 feet into my office to tell me that he has sent me the e-mail (which I just read) and explains its content and intent to be in purpose. Aren’t we defeating some purpose here? And the thing is, there’s NOTHING I can do about it. I can respond really quickly, sure, but he’s already halfway to Chrisville when I hit send. I could meet him halfway in the hallway and explain, “Hey, I just sent you an e-mail. It’s to thank you for the information you just provided me in your e-mail.” Instead, we meet at my desk, and I am trapped.

I’ll just tell him about, you know, Laura, when I tell him the other stuff.

And as you may have guessed from the interspersed Todd Louiso dialogue from High Fidelity, each of these send receipt conversations ends with a recap of everything we had discussed in the past 12 seconds. It’s painful. Phillies bullpen painful. Jose Mesa with the bases loaded painful. Navy Seals painful.

So I ask the Microsoft gurus in the audience: how do I turn off Send Receipt?

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC North

Finish Line! I see you!

Chicago Bears and Chuck (NBC, Mon, 8:00) – Of all the new shows coming out this fall, no show has had more intriguing or aggressive promotion than Chuck. It’s really a combination of elements that has brought Chuck about, and I think I’ve figured out the exact ingredients. First, you have Chuck – played by Zachary Levi – who looks like a bit like a “Jim-from-The-Office - plus-some-J.D.-from-Scrubs” hybrid. He’s a Best Buy-like store tech support officer, not unlike the very funny comedy setting from the 40 Year-Old Virgin. Finally, the plot has Chuck accidentally doing his job, opening an e-mail that decodes all of the government’s secrets, and now he’s a secret agent with a sexy partner. And as everybody knows, the world of sexy secret agencies is no place for a guy who knows how to hook up your printer. Meanwhile, in the Windy City, Rex Grossman (a man who was most impressive against the Vikes last year, throwing for 34 yards and 3 picks) remains the quarterback of a team with a sexy defense, an established running game, and a strong offensive line. Rex, meet Chuck. EDGE: Chuck

Detroit Lions and Kitchen Nightmares (FOX, Wed, 9:00) – Last year, the Detroit Lions were placed in this Dueling Preview Grid in the biggest mismatch ever, as an unknown show that I though had ZERO chance of survival was paired with it. The unfortunate series’ name, coinciding with the Lions’ news that one of their coaches drove through a Wendy’s naked, made it seem like a heavenly match. The Lions were awful, as expected, holding serve. Its projected failure of a TV rival? Some show called Ugly Betty. (Damn it.) This year, we hope to find a show to match with the Lions that will rival its levels of sucktitude accurately. And by gum (by gum?), we’ve found it. That show is Kitchen Nightmares, Fox’s extension of their moderately successful Hell’s Kitchen. Look, I’ve watched Hell’s Kitchen, and unless you like caustic criticism from a red-faced Brit, there’s not much to see. Cooking fans should tune into Top Chef, where the focus is more culinary, less casualty. Now, Gordon Ramsey will be coming into OTHER people’s restaurants and yelling at them. What if a boss from the company across the street came into your office and starting yelling at you? Not fun. As for the Lions, they have the right ingredients to improve by a few games this season. Assuming the only ingredient you need for said recipe is wide receivers. EDGE: Detroit Lions

Minnesota Vikings and Women’s Murder Club (ABC, Fri, 9:00) – The Women’s Murder Club is based on a series of James Patterson novels, although I’ve always noticed something screwy with them. Patterson is one of this authors who inexplicably churn out something like 20 novels a year. Of course, this is a clever rouse on behalf of the publishing company. By using James Patterson’s seal of approval, a publisher can try out new authors, and if their story sells well, maybe they’ll get a contract of their own. All in all, the WMC is a decent read – however I have no idea how it will translate to television. Women have proven their crime-fighting abilities time and time again on the various CSIs, but this will be their chance to make their mark. In a related story, Vikings quarterback throws like a girl. EDGE: Women’s Murder Club

Green Bay Packers and Pushing Daisies (ABC, Wed, 8:00) – According to the show’s synopsis, the main character, Ned, has a unique ability to bring people back to life simply by using his touch. However, if he touched them again, they would die forever. So Ned’s childhood sweetheart was murdered, and you know the Nedster went to the graveyard to rectify things – only now, any relationship they plan to maintain will have all the intimacy of a 6^th grade dance. He’s also a detective (though not a vampire), to complete the storyline. If I were the writer of this show, I would spend the first episode having Ned go to hundreds of cemeteries and touching every dead body he can dig up. That way, he’s released thousands of bodies back into the human population, resuming life as if their various illnesses/homicides/age-related deaths never happened. In Episode 2 and going forward, we resume the story arcs the original writers intended, only every now and then, Ned will touch a random stranger (the cashier at Starbucks, some businessman on the overcrowded Metro), and they will just drop dead on the spot. What an element of surprise! Hilarity would ensue. So why did I make this show the Green Bay Packers? I can’t remember. Oh, that’s right. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. EDGE: Pushing Daisies

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC South

I'm posting this while there's football on the television. If Trent Green completes his next completion, I will force myself to write an introduction to this column. Of course, this is a strong possibility, as long as Carlos Rogers is still on the field. But Trent Green isn't fazed by such under achievement. Let's wait and see...

Screen pass complete to Ronnie Brown for 2 yards? That shouldn't count as a completion. I'm overruling the cheating exploits of Trent Green. Let's go.

New Orleans Saints (0-1) and Big Shots (ABC, Thu, 10:00) – Surely you remember the less-than-kind words we had for Cashmere Mafia, also on ABC. Apparently, ABC has written the same show twice, but in the latter, is replacing 4 women with 4 men. The question will be whether or not this can capture the replacement male audience. If it plays like a relationship-driven drama – good luck. Your male viewing audience is busy watching CSI. But if the combination of the four actors can grab a viewing early, it has a shot with Grey’s Anatomy as a lead-in. The four actor portraying these Big Shots are Dylan McDermott, Joshua Malina, Michael Vartan, and Christopher Titus. And while their day jobs are currently unknown, we’re putting money down in Vegas that they’ll be a snarky lawyer, an energetic producer on a 3^rd-place sports news show, an agent for a highly clandestine national agency, and a smart-ass in a bowling shirt. In New Orleans, there’s room for 2 big shots on a team, and according to the league office, 3 applications were submitted. The first is Drew Brees, who came over from San Diego last year to make a star out of Marques Colston, throw clutch TDs, and almost lead his team to the Super Bowl. The second is Reggie Bush, a jack-of-all-trades back, who while electrifying at USC, has yet to find how he will leave his mark on the league. The third is Jason David, the cornerback from Indy who – what’s that? Application revoked? Oh. EDGE: New Orleans Saints

Atlanta Falcons and Samantha Who? (ABC, Mon, 9:30) – A long, long time ago, Christina Applegate proved she had comedic timing, enough to belong in any supporting cast of a major network sitcom. As a lead player, she did just okay on her own show, Jesse, in the late nineties. After that, she broke into movies in a big way, as the only woman in the testosterone-laden cast of Anchorman. Hence, it’s time to give her another shot, as a woman recovering from amnesia who’s realizing that pretty much she’s an awful person (for source material: rent 13 Going on 30 with Jennifer Garner.) Sure, amnesia is a convenient way to forget that past, but will it lead to ratings in a 9:30 time slot, often the death knell for comedies? As for the Atlanta Falcons, it might be nice to claim amnesia now. That way, they could claim no recollection of the biggest off-season story, not to mention the signing of Michael Vick’s heir, one Joseph Harrington. “Hello, sir. And you are? We signed you to what? For how many years? You must be mistaken. Maybe you’re thinking of the Carolina Panthers. They’re a big fan of giving unqualified quarterbacks second chances. EDGE: Samantha Who?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Journeyman (NBC, Mon, 10:00) – It’s amazing what playing your cards right can get you. Jeff Garcia, despite being a Mexican-American, headed north of the border after college spends 5 years shredding the Canadian Football League. The 49ers notices said shredding, and signed him to a multi-year deal where he paid them back with 3 Pro Bowl appearances. However, the 49ers tanked and ran out of money, and Garcia was forced to bide his time in two disappointing seasons in Cleveland and Detroit. Certainly, he questioned his ability to start in the NFL. His wife, the 2004 Playmate of the Year, is a wise sage of a gal, and told him to take a backup job for the Eagles in 2006. Once Chunky Soup 5 went down with a torn knee, Garcia led the Eagles into the playoffs, including a win over the Giants. Now, because of that card, he’s starting once again – in sunny Tampa. However, I don’t anticipate the journeyman who wears #7 faring much better than NBC’s Journeyman, which seems to be a carbon copy of Quantum Leap, but with 41% less Bakula. EDGE: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Carolina Panthers and Life is Wild (CW, Sun, 8:00) – Do you remember when Lindsay Lohan was not crazy? The last movie she made during that time was the Tina Fey-penned “Mean Girls.” I enjoyed it at the time – but now that TBS has gotten a hold of it, it will be beaten dead by the end of 2007. Do you remember why Lohan’s character was new to the school? Very good, it’s because her parents just moved to the U.S. after spending years in the African grasslands. Life is Wild takes that brilliant screenplay exposition and flips the script on Fey and Lohan. In the CW’s replacement for 7^th Heaven, a high school girl also named Katie and her family leave the States to live on an animal preserve in South Africa! That’s brilliant! Now they can draw parallels between the interaction of wild animals with Katie’s struggles to adapt to her new family (new stepmom) and surroundings. Now I’ve never been to Africa, but I’ve seen what their native animals are capable of. Take the Panther, for example. Panthers are ruthless. They don’t have to answer to anyone and can make smaller, skinnier, dumber animals pay for their idiocy. This past April, ESPN had current Carolina WR Keyshawn Johnson sit center stage as a part of their draft coverage, having an empty seat for “Loud-Mouth Receiver” since they fired Irvin. When the Panthers spent an early round pick on USC WR Dwayne Jarrett, (Johnson’s alma mater), Keyshawn praised the move and spoke about how excited he was to teach his fellow Trojan the ropes. The next day the Carolina Panthers released Keyshawn Johnson, to make room on the depth chart for Jarrett. Man, Life in the NFL is Wild. EDGE: Carolina Panthers

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC South

As with last year's previews, the NFL managed to launch their season a few days early, preventing me from having a completely unbiased view of the season pending any actual results. On Thursday night, the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New Orleans Saints 41-10 at home in the RCA dome. So just when we thought John Mellancamp could fade into oblivion, his hometown team had to go and win the first every world championship for the Hoosier State. This no doubt led to Chevrolet renewing their deal with the Coug, as it seems we're in for more of the same commercials this year.

This is ourrrrrrr country.

Now onto Peyton and the teams he gets to beat not once, but twice this season.



Indianapolis Colts (1-0) and Cavemen (ABC, Tue, 8:00) – How did Peyton Manning not get a slot on the new fall primetime schedule? Peyton Manning, whose laser rocket arm endorses Sprint, was brilliant on Saturday Night Live last year. He, who was born from a rain-soaked Gatorade football, turned in the best commercial sketch in a decade with the United Way spoof. Manning, who thinks you should switch to DirectTV, did a ridiculous dance in the locker room sketch and got many laughs in the process. And yet #18, who never thinks it’s a bad time to use his Mastercard, is a Super Bowl MVP without a new pilot on any major network. But you know what? The Cavemen, who think you could save money on your car insurance by switching to Geico, have a prime comedy slot on ABC on Tuesdays. I tell you, Peyton Manning (who wears Reebok and wants you to as well), will find a way to get his revenge. He always does. EDGE: Indianapolis Colts


Houston Texans and Life (NBC, Wed, 10:00) – Life is about a guy who spent considerable time in jail for a crime he did not commit. (And it’s likely Martin Lawrence’s next great script idea.) Once he gets out, he does the completely logical thing – he becomes a police officer in the very precinct that threw him behind bars. He turns out to be a good cop, and yet nobody really trusts him or gives him a clean slate in their minds. No matter how much good he’ll do the Force, he’s going to have that reputation of being a criminal despite doing nothing to deserve that title. That guy is Matt Schaub. Matt Schaub spent last year as a quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, a position that’s not exactly on the Best Jobs to Have list for 2007. He spent three years in the shadow of a man that felt the wrath of his actions weeks ago. But Matt Schaub didn’t stick around – he got traded to Houston. Hopefully the Texans will not falsely relate him to Vick’s misgivings. Also, hopefully his new offensive line will block a little better than the last guy who took snaps behind them and wore the #8 jersey. EDGE: Houston Texans


Tennessee Titans and Nashville (FOX, Fri, 9:00) – When we starting writing these previews a year ago, we looked for clever ways to link a group of 53 guys playing a sport with a program that has little sports content. We’ve paralleled actor’s careers with that of new free agents, found similarities in the plotlines, used plays-on-words, words-on-plays, and everything else in between. Well, guess what? The Tennessee Titans play in Nashville. BOOM! Be careful where you step – the literary magic is falling from the skies as we speak. Anyway, Nashville is brought to you by the people who produce Laguna Beach, as they refocus their view from the West Coast of Orange County to the country hot spot of Tennessee. We’ll follow a bunch of aspiring musicians who are likely prettier than they are talented, including Terry Bradshaw’s kid. (Ok, in that case, she’s like more talented than pretty, if she didn’t fall far from the tree.) I will only watch this show if they cast Vince Young. As he proved in the Rose Bowl two years ago and last year in the latter half of the season, this man can do it all. It’s just a shame that LenDale White frequents the Krispy Kreme near Dave’s old apartment a little too much. EDGE: Tennessee Titans

Jacksonville Jaguars and Cane (CBS, Tue, 10:00) – Who doesn’t love a good Bible story? (Answer: Osama bin Laden.) CBS has decided to kick it Old Testament with a modern-day adaptation of the story of Cain and Abel. Hector Elizondo, whose name is 38% more fun to say than mine, overlooks his elder son (played by the guy who was Richard Alpert on Lost) in favor of Jimmy Smits. Smits’ spoils? Why, he’s now in charge of the family business, a rum and sugar operation. Of course, it’s an operation on the up-and-up, since Smits no doubt has old pals in the NYPD up the coast. However, you have to feel bad for the Nestor Carbonelli (read: Alpert), who has remained in his father’s good graces for the past few years, working through injuries, showing immediate resolve, being a team leader, and agreeing to run for his life when his protection has broken down. Tough luck, Nestor, I mean Richard, I mean Frank – what should we call you, anyway? Screw it; for now on, Hector Elizondo’s two children will be called David Garrard and Byron Leftwich. And we hate to break it to you, it’s not called rum friends; it’s called rum business. EDGE: Cane

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC West

For the record, we received an incredible 25 entriesto our Dethrone the King contest; a marked improvement on the 8 or 9 who did battle with PK last year. Now I hate to admit, but the Big Honkin' Doofus correctly picked the Indianapolis Colts to down the New Orleans Saints last night, but the good news is - 22 of you guys did as well. Look for the standings to be posted Monday morning, and then updated again with the MNF game in the book the following morning.

If you want to check out PK's logic, it's up at SI.com. In the meantime, here's the AFC West.

Denver Broncos and Carpoolers (ABC, Tue, 8:30) – One of 9 new shows from American Broadcasting Company, Carpoolers focuses on the suburban life of four men who have nothing in common but their daily commute. Ah, traffic sitcoms. This hasn’t been tried since the early seasons of the Drew Carey Show. A nice premise, but ultimately, won’t the required “all 4 guys in the car scene” become trite, much like the obligatory “talk at the fence with Wilson scene" did on Home Improvement? But don’t worry, people! One of the four guys will be played by Jerry O’Connell! Now Jerry, I need to place your new sitcom with one of the NFL’s 32 teams, and I’ve narrowed it down to 2. It’ll either be Denver or San Diego. What’s that, you’ll either surf or ski? Clever. Look, Denver’s where you should be. But San Diego’s come in with a last-minute scenario. It’s big. Look, before a Dueling Preview, people get crazy. San Diego is offering seven years for 38 million. Signing bonus of 6. Now before I go back to Denver, let’s get something down on paper. You’re not dealing with Bob Sugar, are you? You let that snake in the door? It appears Carpoolers signed an hour ago. EDGE: Denver Broncos

San Diego Chargers and The IT Crowd (NBC, Midseason) – NBC can be trusted with the art of the comedy. They have the only two comedies I make an effort to catch weekly (Scrubs, The Office), and two more than I don’t mind every now and then (30 Rock, Earl). However, they seemed content with the four adding 0 new half-hour series to their fall lineup (Chuck is an hour long, even though it is rumored to be humorous). Waiting on the bench is The IT Crowd, a remake of a British series hopefully funnier than Jimmy Fallon’s old SNL crutch, Nick Burns: Your Company’s Computer Guy. But hey, NBC is getting all synergistic by tapping the host of The Soup on E!, Joel McHale, to star. And he, unlike Aisha Tyler, is damn funny. The LT Crowd will live and die by the stylings of LaDanian Tomlinson, the unanimous #1 Fantasy Football Pick, new Nike pitchman, and a player good enough to hijack the nickname of the most-feared linebacker of the 1980’s. It took a playoff loss at home to kick out a coach that led his team to a 14-2 record last year, and another year of seasoning for QB Phillip Rivers should pay dividends. If it doesn’t, expect Shawne Merriman to become the Terry Tate for the IT Crown on NBC this spring. EDGE: San Diego Chargers

Oakland Raiders and Baby Borrowers (NBC, Midseason) – Any show that advertises itself as a “unique social experiment” is always a recipe for needing a midseason replacement for a midseason replacement. Here, NBC will saddle a couple of teenagers with the responsibilities of adulthood, such as maintaining a real house, a real job, and raising children. Hey teenagers, let me fill you in on the ending to this – YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO RAISE CHILDREN. I’m 27, and I’m barely qualified. Children are more unpredictable that Jerry Porter’s hands on any given Sunday. When I was your age, I couldn’t be counted on to pack a pair of shoes for a college visitation trip. You think I could keep up with a baby? This one will grab America’s attention, only to flame out like Kid Nation. Raider Nation, on the other hand, is being run by a kid – new head coach Lane Kiffin. Kiffin is only 32 years old. CB Duane Starks is 33, and DT Warren Sapp is 34. At least he can consult his elders if need be. But don’t sleep on the Raiders. Despite their inability to sign the number one pick in the draft or cut their third-rounder outright, they should be much improved from last year, with a defense that should steal a few games from the league’s easiest schedule. EDGE: Oakland Raiders

Kansas City Chiefs and Eli Stone (ABC, Midseason) – This comes from a write-up about Eli Stone, which stars Johnny Lee Miller: Eli has built a successful career at a top law firm in San Francisco representing only the biggest and richest corporations that make a habit of screwing over the little guy. But after experiencing a series of odd hallucinations, Eli seeks to find a deeper meaning to life while trying not to lose his job and destroy his relationship with the bosses' daughter.” Oh crap, now our lawyers are seeing things? What’s next? Tech support guys saving the world? Anyway, we’ll tune in because of Miller, who could have used some hallucinations to see some of the crap that The Plague was going to pull on him and his friends in the underrated 1995 indie flick “Hackers.” Now if you’re a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs, we’d like to let you know that a lot of what you’ve seen recently concerning your team actually happened. That hallucination that your Offensive Coordinator made Larry Johnson carry over 400 times, an NFL record – that happened. That hallucination that showed your team picking up Tyler Thigpen as a QB safety valve, rather than Byron Leftwich? Happened. That hallucination that proved that training camp is an excellent time to practice your dance moves? Happened. It’s going to be a long year, and Eli’s coming. EDGE: Eli Stone

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC East

Part of the fun of writing these previews is keeping track of which of the 32 teams and which of the 32 shows you've already written. Often, you find yourself writing these whenever the moment strikes you - and since that moment often occurs in the midst of a boring conference call, a fair amount of these write-ups were penned at my desk. However, publishing has occurred at night, requiring me to transfer my documents from laptop to laptop. Somehow, some way, I screwed up. After putting in a good 6-pack of preview capsules last night, my document from today overwrote all that I had done last night. Fortunately for me, 4 of those were already published in the first two columns. So when you read the Eagles and Saints - you're reading a Take 2.

Take 2's are less funny on principle. I blame Firefox .



New York Giants and Gossip Girl (CW, Wed, 9:00) – I don’t need to tell you anything about Gossip Girl to make you realize that it’s going to be terrible. It’s essentially a watered down Cruel Intentions setting with a group of kids as bright as the Laguna Beach crowd. Instead, let me list some of the projects that the cast of Gossip Girl have been in, to prove my point: “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” “Surface,” “The Covenant,” “John Tucker Must Die,” and “Spy Kids 2.” Sure, there’s a kid in it who played a bit role in Children of Men, but he’s unlikely to be the Gossip Girl. As for gossip in the NFL, it has a way of becoming bulletin board material. When a player doesn’t think twice and says something about his upcoming rival, it gets back to that rival quickly, and fuels the fire for Sunday afternoon. However, the New York Giants will have some difficulty putting to use the smack talk that’s surfaced in the past week about them. For the speaker of these harsh words doesn’t play for any opponent – it’s former G-Men running back and new NBC correspondent Tiki Barber. In a manner of days, the man with the imposing eyebrows has ruined any pro-Giants sentiments he held by trashing the current head coach, questions the abilities of Eli Manning, and likely will have something to say about Michael Strahan’s holdout. But then again, Mr. Fumbli is just saying what we were all thinking. EDGE: Gossip Girl

Washington Redskins and Reaper (CW, Tue, 9:00) – What the hell, CW? You were supposed to be the network for America’s Youth! You’ve brought us shows like Dawson’s, Charmed, Smallville, and Everwood! You’ve given a voice to teenage angst when teenage angst was too flummoxed to speak! And what do you do to the kid you have as the lead in “Reaper?” “Slacker geek Sam discovers his parents sold his soul to Satan before he was even born. And now, on his 21st birthday, the evil one has come to collect.” Sam didn’t even get a chance – thanks a lot, parents! Now he has to spend his life working as hard as he can just to attain mediocrity, since the Devil will always be nearby asking for a ten-spot. Sound familiar, DC Metrophiles? You’ve got Jason Campbell, a talented quarterback under center this year, and thanks to good coaching and a solid Auburn past, he could turn into the best QB the ‘Skins have had in the last decade. (Sorry, Heath and Danny.) He could lead a team to the Super Bowl on his arm – that is, if he had a team to lead. For Campbell, the time is now, because Owner Dan Snyder’s ability to overpay and overvalue free agents and have complete disregard for the college draft will SCREW the Redskins next year, and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that, and THEN we’ll finally be in the last year of Brandon Lloyd’s contract. EDGE: Washington Redskins

Dallas Cowboys and The Cashmere Mafia (ABC, Tue, 9:00) - You’re not going to see the Cashmere Mafia until December, people, and you are probably better off for it. It seems that ABC has taken the idea behind Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives and came up with this – four big shot ladies of the NYC who are superior to their male co-workers, doing their best to break the glass ceiling. Look, I’m friends with several very intelligent, good-looking, female MBA graduates, and I’d like to speak on their behalf. Casting Lucy Liu in their image is an insult and a crime. I wish that Sever had killed her. (Unless she was Sever; in that case I was rooting for Ecks.) Now when I saw “The Cashmere Mafia” on the lkist of new shows, I knew that it was my opportunity to throw a cheap shot in the direction of one of the Eagles’ NFC rivals. With Terrell Owens and Tony Romo in their offensive cast, this was not a hard decision to make. However, unlike the Cashmere Mafia, it’s unlikely you’ll see these guys/gals playing for their lives in December. Sorry, Wade. EDGE: The Cashmere Mafia

Philadelphia Eagles and Back to You (FOX, Wed, 8:00) – Funny story about Back to You. Over at Melt Your Face-off, a very early post by my linemate Reasonable Doubt managed to turn the entire Pittsburgh Penguins fanbase against us. It turns out that people from Steel City can’t exactly take a joke like those from say, Edmonton. A few days later after they were calling for our jobs, we posted another article, also with Pittsburgh fans in the crosshairs. LeNoceur had stumbled across a Washington Post online chat discussing fall television, and with Back to You being set in Pittsburgh, all of Western PA was fearing ridicule yet again. Despite getting the privilege of being the setting for a evening news-based sitcom starring PrimeTime powerhouses like Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton, they were more concerned with how their small market would be lampooned before a national television audience. Hey, Pittsburgh – this is going to be funny. Relax. Staying calm works. That’s the only way Sidney Crosby is able to sneak in to R-rated movies. Wait a minute – this was supposed to be a football preview? Right. For the Eagles, they should seem limited competition from the NFC East, all whom are dealing with their own problems. Last year, we went to the playoffs on the back of Jeff Garcia, and this made him very tired. He’s now in Tampa, along with weak-in-the-knees Jeremiah Trotter. It looks like it’s Back to You, Donovan. EDGE: Philadelphia Eagles

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC North

I feel like we've come to a point in cinema where the beginning credits are no longer necessary. The Internet has already informed many of the moviegoers as to who the main talent in the film is - directors, actors, producers - these roles have become common knowledge. I think unless you have a killer musical score or a sweet visual montage to utilize random words at the beginning of your movie, we should all agree to go the way of television and abandon the opening themes altogether. Words are just getting in the way of what you really want to see.

You know, like the preview of the AFC North.

Pittsburgh Steelers and The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX, Midseason) – The nineties were quiet for Sarah Connor, who assisted California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in fighting Technology gone wrong in the Terminator franchise. When the Machines rose over a decade later, Arnold didn’t need her help. Who knows what she was up to? She may have gone back to waitressing. She may have spent more time in a mental institution after her first botched bombing attempt at Cyberdyne. Hell, she may have stayed home and cried, as she watched her son Edward Furlong get eaten up by Young Hollywood. But thanks to a crack team of writers, she’s now fighting the bad guys yet again. Of course, after hanging out with T-1000 and his friends in the first two movies, her specialty has been fighting the baddest guys Technology can muster. Her latest foe? Why, the new mascot of the Pittsburgh Steelers, who is pictured here. His name is Steely McBeam. (take some time here to stop laughing, I’m dead serious.) Connor will use her wit, brawn, and guile to defeat this beast made of steel, which is a welcome change over the methods employed by Roethlisberger last summer. EDGE: Pittsburgh Steelers

Cleveland Browns and Bionic Woman (NBC, Wed, 9:00) – The idea behind the original Bionic Woman, which appeared on ABC and NBC in the late seventies, was that aside from the Six Million Dollar Man, no one really expected an everyday working woman to possess such super powers. She possessed blinding speed, great strength, flowy hair – standard seventies’ superhero requisites. And apparently 31 years later, we’re due for another installment, even if we didn’t really expect it, either. It has little star power in the cast, but then again, neither did NBC’s flagship rookie last year, Heroes. Phil Savage, on the other hand, has made great strides to rebuild his team, the Cleveland Browns, who have lacked a hero all the way back to the days of Bernie Kosar’s Jew fro. He was the mover AND the shaker in this year’s NFL draft, netting accomplished fisherman and offensive tackle Joe Thomas third overall, and then wheeling and dealing to pick their future franchise QB in Brady Quinn at pick 22. They also swiped division rival workhorse Jamal Lewis from Baltimore (no doubt an equal price to pay Art Modell, who stole ALL OF THE BROWNS on behalf of Charm City.) Throw in a bionically repaired leg for Kellen Winslow Jr., we just might see a winning season for the Dawg Pound. He CAN rebuild them. EDGE: Cleveland Browns

Baltimore Ravens and The Big Bang Theory (CBS, Mon, 8:30) – Of all the new sitcoms, this one seems to be the most predictable. Which means it will be perfect for CBS’ Monday night lineup. I’ve never understood the allure of shows like Two and a Half Men or According to Jim. A show that pairs a couple of physics nerds across the hallway from a smokin’ hot “screenwriter/waitress” (they throw screenwriter in there to make her smarter, but she’s not fooling anyone), and most likely, they’ll learn valuable lessons from one another. I also don’t understand why everyone in TV apartment complexes know and socialize with their neighbors. Since college, I’ve lived in no less than four different rental pads, and the most information about ANY of my neighbors was that at Random Run, they were from Romania and liked Tae Bo at 8 am on Saturdays. And they weren’t smokin’ hot screenwriter/waitresses. But then again, neither are the Baltimore Ravens. Everyone’s got them in the playoffs (you know, those boring previews that actually try and predict football straight up), but then losing in the divisional round because they got a bye but can’t handle an AFC powerhouse in their own building. San Diego? New England? Indy? All of them are the smokin’ hot, sexy screenwriter picks for prognosticators. Baltimore is the physics nerd. They’re going to be there in the end, no doubt – but that’s not why Football Nation is turning on the TV. EDGE: Baltimore Ravens

Cincinnati Bengals and Aliens in America (CW, Mon, 8:30) – Chad Johnson is not of this world. This is a man who makes casual viewers watch Bengals games in order to witness first-hand his next ludicrously awesome touchdown celebration. He swiped Terrell Owens’ stick, attached a lobster to it, and now he dons a most excellent hat. He even insisted on being called Ocho Cinco last year, complete with jersey patch. And this was all in a down year – Chad has vowed to RETURN to his entertaining excellence this year, since last year he turned himself down a notch. He loves to play the game and it shows. The CW, on the other hand, seems to have the right idea to television innovation. They’re trying to mimic the success of The Office by green lighting unusual sitcom ideas, like “Nobody’s Watching” and now Aliens in America. AinA features the pairing of two aliens – an awkward Wisconsin high school kid and a Pakistani exchange student named Raja, in hopes that adolescent hilarity doth ensue. So why does this innovation seem to feel a lot less like The Office and a lot more like Perfect Strangers? (Side note: if anyone enters the Dethrone the King pool with Balki’s method of picking teams, I will gladly grant you a bumper sticker.) EDGE: Cincinnati Bengals

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC East

The AFC East is often listen first in most football standings found in newspapers. Why is that, you say? Well, for any newspaper market that does not serve as home to an NFL team, they really have no reason to list any division above any other. So instead, they default to placing the AFC before the NFC, for the sake of alphabetization. After that, the East Coast Bias that was brought to the New World by the Pilgrims takes over. (They had the option of landing on the West Coast, they opted not to.) Therefore, the AFC East gets listed first. Before anything else can happen, there are the damn Patriots staring you in the face.

Guess what AFC East? In my world, you just got demoted to Second.

Again, leave a note in the comments if you want a last minute chance to get in on our Dethrone the King football pool. Bumper stickers are at stake, people.

New England Patriots and Dirty Sexy Money (ABC, Wed, 10:00) – Unlike “Life,” the producers behind DSM actually spent time coming up with a series title that will get the attention of possible viewers. And they followed up that by loading the cast with heavyweights like Donald Sutherland, Daniel Baldwin, and Kjill Clayburgh, all of them part of a crazy Hiltonesque family that will rely on a new lawyer to keep them out of jail and the tabloids simultaneously. Who better than Peter Krause, the man who co-anchored my all-time favorite sitcom, Sports Night? Krause (pronounced unnecessarily as Kraus-uh), will bring his Casey McCall charm and his Six Feet Under acting cred to a role that seemed designed and written exactly for him. As for the aforementioned Money, the Patriots finally opened up the wallet and spent some of the hard-earned cash those Super Bowl championships gets you. With big name free agent Adalius Thomas in the linebacker corps, Randy Moss patrolling the post routes, and yes, Vinny Testeverde warming the bench, the Pats hope it was Sexy well spent. EDGE: New England Patriots

Buffalo Bills and Kid Nation (CBS, Wed, 8:00) – Have you heard about Kid Nation?? CBS isn’t really promoting it – they’re letting the media do it, and they’re not even spending a dime. Basically, the premise is such: children are left to run their own town, form a government, and carry out basic living tasks like cooking, gathering resources, maintain order in the home, and play fantasy football. I don’t see what’s so revolutionary about this – the kids from the Simpsons tackled this over a decade ago. (An episode, which if it already isn’t, should be a part of any promotion video for Model UN programs) Well, some parents are ticked that their little boys and girls were effectively laboring as children, and their injuries (namely cooking grease burns) should not be tolerated. Look lady, the waiver was very clear, and you signed it. Hell, the kids even got paid thousands of dollars each. (They quickly spent it at 11 year-old entrepreneur Kenny’s Candy, Puppies, and Dress-Up Arcade.) Sadly, Buffalo Bills 21 year-old running back Marshawn Lynch’s application was not accepted for the show, and now will have to settle for a job that made him a fantasy sleeper across the country. In addition, rookie Paul Posluszny has been named starting linebacker after a stellar career at Penn State. Neither is expected to be dumb enough to eat the purple berries. They taste like burning. EDGE: Kid Nation

Miami Dolphins and Canterbury’s Law (FOX, Midseason) – You have to hand it to Fox. It’s about time they entered the fray of making drab dramas about a group of lawyers that should be interesting, but ultimately are not. What made The Practice a winner? What made Ally McBeal a success? Why do people stomach Shatner on Boston Legal? For every successful law show (these 3), another 5 have bitten the dust in the early throes of fall prime time programming. And now FOX, who would prefer to produce underwhelming shows of all varieties, have thrown their case onto the docket. Canterbury’s Law comes from the Grey’s Anatomy school of Program Naming, putting Juliana Margulies in the lead role. Margulies has earned her TV drama cred as being part of the early years of NBC’s ER. Similarly, Trent Green has earned his NFL Football cred as the QB of the highly successful Kansas City Chiefs offense from the first half of this decade. But was Trent Green the reason? I say nay. Al Saunders was the Clooney. Priest Holmes was the Edwards. Tony Gonzalez was the LaSalle. And Larry Johnson was the latecomer, Noah Wyle. Each of those guys is what made ER great. Trent Green? He’s just the Juliana Margulies. Enjoy him, Miami. EDGE: Canterbury’s Law

New York Jets and K-Ville (FOX, Mon, 9:00) – Perhaps the most ambitious new series, K-Ville actually refers to New Orleans, Louisiana. Viewers will follow the efforts of a fictional police force that has been assigned to defend a city that was defenseless two years ago against Hurricane Katrina. This will not be your standard cop show, and if nothing else, it’s probably worth an effort. (What’s that? They put it against Heroes? Nice knowing ya, K-Ville) So why didn’t I make the obvious connection to the New Orleans Saints here? It’s because there is a greater problem at hand for K-Ville than obviousness, and that problem’s name is Anthony Anderson. Anderson, who you may remember from such excellent work such as Kangaroo Jack and the TNBC show “Hang Time,” is the perfect example of wasted talent. Look, I know Anthony Anderson is a funny guy. When cast in the right role (as in Me, Myself, and Irene), he can be killer. But too many times, casting directors find a place for Anthony Anderson that couldn’t be a bigger mismatch. In Transformers, he played a paranoid computer hacker that ruined scenes – the only acting performance more egregious was Tuturro’s. In Romeo Must Die, he’s inexplicably cast as a funny guy in a movie that had no business casting a funny guy. Who is A-Squared’s NFL equivalent. Well, his name is Thomas Jones, and he plays running back for the New York Jets. After mis-castings in Tampa Bay, Arizona, and Chicago, let’s hope he’s found his dream role. EDGE: K-Ville