I Haven't Slept for 10 Days

Because that would be too long.

As a daily bastion of the funny bringing, we here at YAB have a comedic responsibility to let you know when the human race loses the funny. We were there when SNL handed the Weekend Update duties to Colin Quinn. We were there when a goofy-looking center Gheorghe Muresan finally retired from the NBA. We were there when the comedic bastion that is Whose Line Is It Anyway? lost the funny and jumped the shark. Sadly, as many times in our lives when we have prompted to laugh, these times do come to an end. Surely, new outposts of the funny will spring up, so people's funnybones are not permanently shelved. And we here at YAB look forward to finding the next big thing that warrants a "Hey, let me hear that again."

Humor in its most basic delivery style comes in the form of stand-up comedy. Stand-up comedy requires several different talents, all that you must be able to handle at the same time. First, you need to be able to stand up. For a full set. This is like at least forty-five consecutive minutes of not sitting down. Or kneeling. Or lying down. And as you may well know from last week's exposition on my ability to punch a ticket to Dreamland, this is no easy task for me. Nor do I have the ability to work a microphone. I'm a wanderer when I am performing, which means I would easily forgo the mike stand and walk around the stage with the microphone. This would lead to me surely dropping, spinning, and tossing the one instrument that allows YOU to hear ME. Oh, and thirdly, you have to be able to tell jokes. That's right, jokes. Funny punchlines, observations, and musings that will cause a room full of other people to laugh. And we're not talking pity laugh. Pity laughs very quickly turn into throwing things. Yeeps.

That's why I'm not a stand-up comedian. I'll hide behind the nice visage of the blog, and allow careful editing, brainstorming, and reworking make the funny. I'm not on the frontlines on comedy. Stand-up comedians are. And, YAB would like to take today's post and pay tribute to, in our opinion, the funniest of today's funny, Mitch Hedberg. And it is with the heaviest of hearts that we report that on March 30, 2005, Mitch passed away at the age of 37.

According to wire reports, Mitch has a historically weak heart, and heart failure was the cause of death while out on tour just last week. His witty literal observation style has been a major influence on Condon's comedy (Conedy?), and if you need something to make your morning commute a hilarious one, I highly recommend his first CD. I was fortunate enough to see him live at William and Mary senior year, and I laughed so hard that when I got cross-checked in my immediately-following floor hockey game, I didn't even feel it. I was still reeling from how much my sides hurt from non-stop Mitch comedy.

This man can never be emulated in his delivery, although several of us have tried. And rather than spout forth further words on how funny Mitch was, I leave you with a collection of MH jokes. We'll miss you, Mitch.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

And my personal favorite...
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".